just tried to sort out my income tax online with a blocked nose and a cracking headache. been down with a cold and fever since yesterday. i concluded that my body did not agree with the classroom's freezing air-conditioning and bad air quality. alas, life goes on. *sneeze*

i have planned *in my head* that i shall do some tutorials over the weekend, however, by the look of it, i could barely shake off this terrible sickness to be ready for Monday. well, let's just focus on getting better now. health is the prerequisite for accomplishing anything. right?!

do i sound more positive now? no more moping about. no more break downs. really. there is no time for being gloomy by the way. routine helps shoo the nonsense out and fill up the idle sections of the brain previously so stuffed with dark thoughts... such as "i f8cked up", "i hate myself" "i hate mom" etc.

but i really. really. really want to say something here. it's been a difficult time. mainly because i drag myself down so deep that i have forgotten how to get up. i stayed in that hole for what feels like a long long time. i felt safe at first, that nobody can distract or change me. i don't want people to ask questions. i don't want people to care. i don't want people to understand. cause i don't know what's wrong with me.

sometimes i think i am addicted to feeling "miserable". as if in pain is the only way to connect to life.

i remembered i made a fuss one night and broke down in front of Sophia. well. after all the sobbing and complaining and self-pitying... she remained totally unfazed.

she reminded me that people are starving in Africa and instantly put things back in perspective.

okay. she didn't exactly said that but i stopped crying. then i was left with such hideous swell around the eyes because i rubbed them too much.

"hey, you are actually not THAT sad because you just cried a little. like sobbing quietly. with minimal tears..." she concluded.

"what?" as i inspect the damage in front of a mirror. "of course i am sad. VERY sad. i didn't bellow because i don't want the whole house to know i am crying!"

"really? because i think one couldn't control one's tear when in grief."

"..."

she's right. i certainly wasn't in the deepest shit. i can still eat. breath. and play. if i decide to. what is there to mope about when life has given you everything.

as for wanting something vague such as feeling happy, content, fulfilled.... i will have to earn it. with a family still supportive under the circumstance that they genuinely think i am going mad, and with such dear friends having to endure my series of self-absorbed mini breakdowns but still never fails to slap me back to reality, i am already privileged.

i do feel happy. albeit short and fleeting. most of the time i feel at loss. but this is me. i tend to feel too much. but as long as i remember that people are starving and dying in some part of the world even before they have the time to sit around and mope about their feelings, i am fine.

ah... now i remember what i wanted to say in the first place. i wanted to say i love you sophia. thanks for putting up with me. thanks for being a strong wonderful person with an even stronger pair of ears to withstand my nonsense...

and also to dear friends who cared or simply just curious to check out if i am still alive by reading this blog... thank you. your words kept me going... for like 5 minutes. haha.

see. i am capable to feel happy afterall. :)