December. My favourite month. Got off work early to go into the capital for a dinner and christmas gift shopping.

I didn't expect to feel like this. like.... having a part of you taken away. no pain, no warning, just slowly... gradually... feeling the emptiness... and missing something... something you can't even identify. i know i am melodramatic. just... i wasn't prepared to feel it tonight.

an old friend. a mere one hour quick catch up over dinner. talking as if we have just spoke yesterday but only to realise... it has been five years. and we seemed the same. just that he stuck it out at his first job and has since done well until today, got hitched with the love of his life, became a father to a healthily "large" boy named after the sexiest man alive. and me... barely hanging on my third job, "figuring-life", and .... just... keep on "figuring" really....

it feels as if nothing has changed. but yet so much has changed. we weren't even close. but we don't need to share the deepest secrets to have a good laugh over nothing. it happened just like it always does. cynical laughter. banter. thrown in some half-hearted encouragement.

then it hit me. when we parted on the sidewalk to some very crowded restaurants... here he is... saying goodbye and about to leave to catch his flight at ten. and i suddenly felt... a pang of sadness... just slapping me across the face.

it's not him. obviously. we were barely in each other's life to speak of. and catching up over once every five years is not enough to break my heart really. just... i don't know.... he is an old friend back from the days... the Uni days... which are so... soooo... sooooooo... distant that i could hardly remember. but it is some big part of my life... some five years of my life... that consciously and subconsciously shaped me.

i was fresh, naive (still is) and had a bad sense of fashion. oh well, maybe still is. i think. and standing on that pavement tonight, i felt sick. i felt... time-sick. i felt that meeting this old friend of mine... just brings me back to rewind all those five years before, in between and after. and looking at life....generally... happening through time.

as i walk away to "figure" what christmas gift to buy... i carry this unexpected melancholy... i could only hope... when we meet again in five years time, i would be in a better state of mind. for you could wish nothing more for a friend. to be happy and loved.

December. always tainted with a slight nostalgia. nevertheless... still my favourite month.

like this...

cause and effect. all the yes'es and no's and don't know's that have led me to where i am and feel right now...

alas... with tired eyes, mushy brain, and sagging mouth, let's face another day.

do you remember when is the last kind act that strangers have bestowed on you? it could be a smile. or a helpful customer service over the phone. or a simple comfort when you're in distress.

i have lost the spontaneous kindness in me. i judge. i doubt. i question people's motives. life is very different for me now. it's shadowed by goals. achievements. and disappointments when you don't have that. you forget. you forget to smile. to be thankful for the littlest things. to help others even in the smallest gestures.

life is unfair in many ways. and i am privileged. now... don't forget. don't forget to be kind. because it could just make a man's day in life that much bearable. and we all know how hard some days can be.

还有三个月就到年底了。人老了些，似有似无地，长了些，又短了些。想想自己。。。 嗯，没意思。

继续，继续，继续，除了继续，还是继续。谈不上是累了，还是萌了。。。 就是，别想了。

大家。。。都加油吧。

After a wedding dinner, in the car, on the drive back....

little nephew out of the blue, put his hands together... closed his eyes... and said...

" thank god for letting us go dinner.... thank god for eating full..."

*awkward silence*

"where did he learn that from?" splurt the father.

"from the kindergarten." explained the mom.

"...." the grandpa

and then the boy went ....

"when you're happy and you know it~~~ say AMEN!~~~ AMEN~~”

i love this place. this house. i wonder if there will be a chance... when you can build you own house. and build a life with it.

it's a bit cold. a bit rusty. and a bit too basic. but then. it's perfect. one day. maybe i will build the perfect house and create a home for myself. :)

while the pup and his parents are infested with ticks... going to apply frontline to them sometime this week. :( i am looking forward to this long weekend. without a say the days will just fly when it's off work. but it's going to be a good month.

friends are all yearning for a loooong break, just a monday off wouldn't be enough but it is what it is. how i wish i could be a baby again with no worries and expectations. :) now.. some panda luv!!!!

my head's itchy. i think i caught some ticks from trying to clean the dogs. mom was watching her korean channel and found a tick sucking on her right arm. reminds me the of many tiny tick dots nestling in between the puppy's toes. i couldn't pick all of them out cause they're too small. and i think i've got some of them stuck under my own nails. i might have eaten some by now. worse. having them settling happy-ever-after on my scalp.

i'm lazy. and my right index finger hurts. and i am still mourning the passing of the long weekend. wonder.

holidays are a new form of addiction. after a taste of Fridays' off... you would want more. Mondays... Tuesday... Wednesday.... until you're fired. then holidays became a big painful slow suffocating days... hours... minutes... and internet entertainment became your only friend with facebook reminding you of the hundreds of friends whom you've never talked to with some strange-cum-bored kindred spirit who will "like-d" your lunch photo but deep down you'd feel like the biggest loser still faking a smile staying home eating mummy's home cooked food. *inhale-exhale* (forgot about punctuation there...)

yes. i'm still with a job. *pat myself at the back* right. holidays are great. can't wait until the next long weekend now. :)

it was the first time i stayed in a house with big furry cats. having those big piercing eyes staring back at me did not put me at ease but... it was one of the most relaxing stay i have ever had.

thank you. the pizza, spaghetti, chicken drumlets have never tasted that good. and shall never be again.

i used to go blank at quotes such as "learn to love yourself". i don't know if it's possible to not love myself more. i'm every bit self absorbed, self centered, self-ish. of course i love myself.

but then i started to hate myself. i don't want to be me anymore. i don't want to change me. i don't want to accept me. i am just never... enough.

love thyself. is it possible? can i love what i have... can i love what i don't have... can i love what i can do... but also love what i can't do... can i love all these flaws and strengths in me? i don't know.

i want to be better. but i am not sure if i am cut out for it. to love thyself. is hard.

Also to quote:

家中老母狗生了8只小狗。生宝宝本来是件开心事。但是我看了宝宝们，蠕动着，还没睁开眼。。。 我看着看着，脑子闪过一念头。不然就趁它们还小，还不懂，还没看过，还没体会过，就。。。 结束掉生命吧。

它们只是小菜狗。。。不会有人愿意领养的。没人要的狗。。。 不就是。。。 8 条一文不值的生命。。。

小孩们直叫 “好可爱哟” “baby 很可爱。。。”

我心纠了。可爱。。。 可爱。。。。 到头来。。。不就是。。。 可怜没人爱。

4 year old: Gugu! Cake! Cake!

30 year old: Yes.... wow! Whose birthday is it? *big grin*

4 year old:  ME! ME! didi's birthday!

30 year old: Yesss... you can blow the candles tonight!

4 year old: yes yes... didi blow candles!

30 year old: and what will you wish for?

4 year old:.... yes yes.. blow candles... wish before blow candles....

30 year old: uuhhh huuhhh... and what is your wish?

4 year old: wish wish... i wish (both hands enclosed)... i wish... i wish... to blow candles!

心情不安，烦躁。平静的外表，复杂的内心。微笑着，把这一切都咽下去。

就当以为累了，冷静了，一通电话，一份小礼物， 一个极致单纯的祝福，彻底给崩溃了。

这一刻，眼泪是幸福的。

saw this quote posted from a friend...

"for most of life, nothing wonderful happens. if you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. if someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. if, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness." - andy rooney

this makes sense. today, i met up with friends, chatted over lunch, tea and dinner. laughed. scowled. burped.

today, i am happy.

it wasn't until when i saw you last Saturday that... i... realised how much i missed... the feeling... the mundane but calm... unsatisfied... funny... thoughtless yet glad.... understood... days.... when you're around.

then i also realised.... that all is in the past. and how suddenly sad thinking about it. we crossed path... walk together for a bit... then parted to move on to our own ways.

there seems to be so much to say... yet somehow meaningless to say them. i think i recognise your voice... here you are in front of me.... a new you.... like what you've always told me... so near... yet so far.

thank you for just being there. albeit so faraway now. :) it's good to see you again. truly.

i have been purging my closet yesterday since i went on a shopping frenzy the whole of March. it's ridiculous how i lost control over materialistic goods... to be more specific, 2 jeggings, 2 shirts, 1 top, 1 swimsuit, 2 dresses, 2 shoes.... and 1 bag.

i felt disgusted. where did i go wrong? i was on a strict spending crunch and i let loose. like a mad cow. equally crazy and angry.

*pinching myself* *pinch-again*

there's more important issues at hand than my self-loathing. get over yourself!

so yes... purging...don't you sometimes just feel like flushing yourself down the toilet? or is it just me?

March was long, painful and suffocating. March... is over. April is now... April... is now...

 i love a good horror story. i love a dry funny story. this has both. and the only thing funny about it.... is that it is done in horrible plasticine stop-motion animation.

this morning i woke up to a dreadful daze.... laying on the bed for a good 5 minutes... thinking that it's Saturday.... good. i can go back to sleep.... NOooo... something's off... oh nooooo... it's Friday.... i still have to wake up....for the life of me... i just couldn't wake up.... until i realized it's Thursday....

it's f8cking just Thursday.

it doesn't taste so bitter anymore. it doesn't.... u know... after a few gulps of fermented sugar and starch.

the more important part... is that... it doesn't feel so heavy anymore. in fact, i feel lighter. as if someone is blowing wind into my head. and i am twirling, spinning so gayly such... that i don't feel bad at all. at all.

now before it gets old. before people grew tired of me. before i grew tired of me. so let's draw the curtains down. and stare into the darkness...

买了一件有脱线的围巾给朋友。买了一件有脱线的毛织衣给自己。嗯。也不知为什么。不再执着了。

生活工作得过且过。留点空间给自己，累了，歇一下。烦了，呆一下。退一步，没有海阔天空，却也算还站着， 没有倒下。

这。。。也算是一种坚持吧。

it's great to sleep in the whole saturday. it's great to feel the familiar dent in your mattress that cradles your body so well. and that soothing but slightly sour smell of your cover... and if not for that horrible jamming construction noise 6 metres away from my ears.... i would have hibernated. happily.

the trip was good. i made a conscious decision to be away for the turn of the year. and i did. so it was good.

countdown was as crowded, as sweaty, as uncomfortable, as one could have expected. but i wanted to do it. the fireworks were not that impressive. the atmosphere was not as chaotic. no foam sprays thank goodness. and for the first time, i held up the camera and shamelessly clicking away, capturing more photos than necessarily, even filming a good 3 minutes of the fireworks. only to have it deleted accidentally later on. it's not something i would re-watch again. but  i would like to keep the video as a memento -- for the after-show 1.5 hours --  stuck in human sea trying to squeeze into the skytrain station.

would i do it again? hell ya! :) but it really helps if it's in the winter. for the squeezing part.

so let this year be safe and sound. just so i could make it to 2014 countdown! there might not be much to look forward to for pessimist such as moi. but among the resolutions this year... yes. CELEBRATE. celebrate with a smile, or a tear. JUST. celebrate. :)