the laptop is sent to the workshop for check ups. i am pretty sure the fan is failing and maybe the harddisk as well. uurgh, life is even more disoriented without my lappie. reminds me of a post from K that a taiwanese married herself to her laptop.

didn't really have much to say except that year 2011 is ending and there's a wedding to attend on the second day of 2012. a good start? maybe not. lately i have been contemplating to sell off the dslr camera. i don't feel excited bringing it out for field trips due to it's huge baggage. and mainly because i have not been practising with the manual settings to capture any decent pictures. relying on auto settings is not attractive when the camera weights a ton. and the more i realise the limitation of a starter kit lens and its built in flash, the more i am put off to actually use it. i could be so jaded sometimes i don't have a clue what i am doing.

so back to the present, i just revisited some long forgotten pictures i took while vacationing with fei and theen. if i remember correctly, it was only 3 months after i bought the dslr and i was excited to bring it to the beach. and it was also during this trip i realise what a big commitment it is to take care of the dslr during stormy boat rides and how much pain it is to play with manual settings against cloudy weather.

but what a surprise, the pictures turn out much better than i remembered them. they weren't bad at all. :P okay some weren't bad at all. :)



so new year resolution. keep the camera. and try to capture something with it. it sure didn't fail me. it is just I who quit on the camera. let's see how many moments i can capture with it next year. :)


hot chicks alert!!! baby mama on the left already lost her figure last month to squirt out a baby boy. mrs on the right will probably lose hers next year.


a wide DOF (depth of field) with fairly sharp focus throughout the landscape.


nice portrait shot with shallow DOF (in this case fairly sharp focus on the subject but a blurred background.)


don't try to reason why we do the things we do. :) this is a low exposure shot. could've easily turn up the brightness with photoshop but the pirated software crashed.

lately i have been sharing the same space with them for-e-ver. i believe this was taken more than 3 years ago. but of course, now they still kick my butt...

昨天搞得好累哦。今天也就睡得翻天覆地，没理由说累了啰。

上个礼拜像是待在家里太长时间了，所以周末约了旧同事出去。搞到晚上再回加影和老朋友喝茶。嗯，“老朋友”。不就是中学同学。看长辈称他们的旧同学为“老朋友”，我看这是合适的了。虽然大家年龄才不到三十，但互相认识有些超过十年了，如果明天不幸人间消失，他们就是那些来会来参加你丧礼的人。合适，合适。。。 是叫“老朋友”的了。

说起这个吗，现在有点尴尬。大家都比以往忙得多，一半都出国了。就剩下两三只猫在加影。我，就是其中那两三只猫。OK。现在是礼拜晚上，睡了整天，精神了，想起了昨天大家喝茶一些话题，其中包括自己突然爆发的小插曲。该从何说起呢？

就说我们其中一位“老朋友”现在 missing in action。 不再参与聚会了。本来可以就这样算了，但是人本来就喜欢讨论各式话题，当聚集一块儿，就可热闹了。当然如果不是讨论到我的个人沦陷，我也就很乐意地在旁听，不时问个无关痛痒的问题，做个鬼脸，放空，看电视。。。

朋友嘛，十多年了，当然有好有坏的时候。从以前天真无邪混在一起玩，一起上课，到现在大家各自为自己的未来打拼。偶尔出来也是update最近的新闻，互相开玩笑，讲一些八卦。有时是很无聊，但是不比自己闷在家里无所事事来的无聊。说到底，大家还是蛮重视这段友谊，网上msn留言几句，一个月聚两次，虽然有时没话说，听听也是感觉舒服的，因大家都清楚大家的品性，不需要互相讨好，就算有时口出疯言，大家也就左耳进，右耳出。

就说回昨晚，因为有一位朋友不再出现了，所以就掀起了一片讨论。“他又不来了吗？”“又是为了什么？”“是谁的错？”“我们不是好好的吗？”“是几时开始的？”“你不是跟他最好的吗?”“惨了！他是要绝交了吗？”“不会吧，他跟我们绝交就没有朋友了耶。”

说真的，听了还蛮刺耳的。我也只能回答“我不知道”。

人是感情动物，这个世界，是现实的。大家都会为五斗米折腰，大家都会有情绪。但是我学到的是，我尽可能不把情绪带到朋友聚集桌面上。有些朋友是可以把肩膀让你靠，有些是陪伴你玩乐，有些是很好的聆听者，有些会给很好的意见。。。而自己，应该是比较不够坚强的哪一方面。缘分吧！我的朋友，都比我坚强得多了！

我觉得幸庆，至少现在，我有开心时，不开心时，绝望时，想发牢骚时，我想说出来，会有人，genuinely listen, non-judgemental, just to be there, then forget about it, just like how i wanted it to be。虽不知未来是怎样，物是人非，我现在，是有朋友的。不会绝交就没有朋友的。原来deep down,我会怕是那个被拿出来讨论的啊。

所以，昨天我爆发了。我突然“大大声”冲着另一位正兴高采烈的讨论的“老朋友”说：“如果你不care也就算了，拿出来讲是没意思的。有必要吗？因为在座没有人会为此去做任何事情而改变（包括我）！”说到这我估计我已眼球布满血丝，青根块爆发了。大家愣了。

这位突然被攻击的“老朋友”备受委屈，忙着解释这不是他的意思。但是我也固执的摆着臭脸，不愿道歉。我也知道他是无辜的，他受到的委屈可不只这些，想发泄一下不满，撮合讨论讨论就被骂。对不起咯。

只是，大家都是朋友。现在是不像以前了，曾经要好过，现在不再了，不该保留一些情面，respect吗？是的。那位不再出现的“老朋友”有他自己的问题，情绪，烦恼，怨恨，发泄的不妥当，就迎来大家的纷纷议论。我没参与，不是因为我认同她的做法，而是我觉得他有他的原因，理由，方式，不需要解释，只要他现在做他想要的事情，就好了。我是没办法成为他的肩膀了，我一向就不会照顾人。

所以，就这样。after这尴尬的局面，我们换到另一家mamak去喝茶了。我不晓得我的脸还有没有那么臭，但是我们是没再讨论这话题了。我们又继续哈啦了许久。不晓得如何开始，哈啦到eurotrip 和投资种种。明年将会有另两位“老朋友”在欧洲工作。虽然开始是我心底想去找朋友，但是话题打开了，就几位“老朋友”同意挪出各两千给其中一位精于投资的“老朋友”，作为eurotrip的基金。日期定为2013年。这一讨论来，就在mamak待到近两点半凌晨。

回到家，我觉得有点不可思议。eurotrip基金？应该明天一早起来就当笑话来看吧。但是，我笑了，不是因为可笑，而是它让我联想到童真，小孩子们不就喜欢说，“我们以后要成为永远的朋友，我们以后要一起去玩，我们以后会怎样怎样。。。的吗？”

虽然2013年不是以后，但是我们也不是小朋友了，生活有太多太多的变化，这不是一笔小数目，也不是三天两夜旅游。两年后，我们还是朋友吗？我们真得那么想和“老朋友”一起去backpack吗？我可能不会enjoy 哦。哈哈。

但是这是一个难得可贵的想法。老实说，如果真的2013年到了，有“老朋友”实现这想法，就太好了。 成吗？ :)

this is from jean. it made me chuckle.

Now these years locked on my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

before this turn into my outlet of misery. i have to stop. and yes. i can't sleep. during the nights. and it's turning into a vicious cycle. i zombie-ed through the day. and i bore myself.

too many thoughts. mostly rubbish. and it's time to clean up. put a simple task in front, and execute it. start from zero. like a baby. you can do it. you must.

so. i guess now i have a new resolution every weekend, will tell myself to have a good rest before i start every monday. turns tuesday and i am no where near the start. then wednesday i spend half the day dozing off and another half making excuses why i couldn't execute the plan. Thursday i mope about and starting to moan the weekdays lost (totally insane). Friday i make a new resolution again.

this is so NOT going to happen again! i will NOT allow it! i will be efficient from now on. no more moping about. and no more useless browsing and online window-shopping that are oh-so-addictive. no more! no more!

so before i try to get some sleep before midnight, i have to flush this out of my system. had an idea to get a cheongsam for this coming CNY. and fell in love with this cheongsam on etsy. too bad it's too small on me. i will not be obsessed and lose sleep over this again. bye bye luv! goodnight!

Kajang town was flooded last friday. it was kinda hilarious to me. mainly because i was not affected. sorry. i laugh at the most insensitive points now.

and my laptop's dying. so. i can't be that happy anyways.

bumped into a long-lost-used-to-be-close secondary mate in the Mines on saturday. stood at the entrance of a clothing store, standing, catching-up. not much on my side. his wedding dinner would be held next year. trying to be funny i said i might not be attending. might be busy. more like mentally absent.

random stuffs. mom bought loads of durian. was eating them constantly until i have dysentery. eh-no-la. drama.

and also. this song is quite nice. something to look forward to picking up the guitar.

the last month of a year. has anyone done a quick summary of 2011? has anyone started to feel... old yet?

brought along mom to watch immortals just now. she is my movie mate now. she has the ability to talk, squeal, complain while picking her teeth during a movie.

i am picky. not of food but almost everything else. i am also picky of attending wedding invitations. i don't want to come across as an oppressive nun but i am becoming tiresome and emotionally unresponsive to attending weddings of long-lost-friends. do i sound like an oppressive nun? yes i do.

do you know how hard it is to focus on just watching a movie when your mind is squashed and splattered all over? now i know.

i love listening to his voice. the voice that soothes the ripples. and because he sings so sadly, everything else seems tolerable.

finally a sunny friday afternoon after almost a whole week of rainy days. i have recovered from the japan trip exhaustion and can already feel my legs up to my last tiny toe. no longer have the excuse of laying down. still, i find no motivation to get out of my bed. mostly doing the eating, reading, watching videos in the same spot. such a bad lifestyle. don't fault me now.

i will not deny the delight of having a day off. when time... suddenly seems abundance. reminds me of the school days.

woke up with a bit of sweat today. partly because the sun has shone its way to noon, and because i struggle to find the motivation to get out of bed.

i once heard someone said, every city has a story. it's true. every city has a story. i've always remembered a place by the story of it. and the people in the story.

tomorrow is my last day. i guess the story ends there. it's quite a calm and easy story. not much drama. for which i am grateful. i can't handle too extreme emotional rides anyways. they tear me apart. and leave such a deep hole that i could not seem to ever cover up.

then it must be an quick and clean exit then? i wouldn't be lingering around, waiting for someone, unable to let go. this is how it will be. i feel. but...

but... there's something. or rather someone. i've actually made friends here. it's not quantum physics to make friends. but it's near impossible that you actually connect with people at this age. i mean age as in working adults.

more often than not you're being friendly and polite. careful not to come off as arrogant and rude. threading on the thin line of not stepping on people's emotional land mines. it couldn't be more accurate than to say one man's meat is another's poison. what you truly believe is a funny dry humour might just break another person's heart.

even if you meet someone whom you felt like you want to be friends with. someone who is cool and smart. might be someone who is actually THAT cool and smart but just way too genuinely kind and soft hearted that you would feel horribly sick when some evil thought crosses your mind.

or someone whom you thought are friendly and open minded but when you cracked a thoughtless joke that someone is the first to turn their heads around and "unfriend" you.

or that someone who just care too much that you felt prickly uneasy. or that someone whom you know you would never find anything to talk with but you still need to strike up a conversation just because you couldn't stand awkward silences.

all that aside. how many new friends you've made that you can truly enjoy hanging out with? being 200% of your true mean self. swearing and cursing away while they ignore you. but just being there like a sponge blob, absorbing all your negative complains and cleanse your ugly soul for a minute?

how many new friends you've made that you can have endless nonsense to banter around?
talk about movies, celebrities, fashion, life, death, porn... every single silly topic off your head. without having to filter so that you wouldn't hurt their feelings. not that you don't care about their feelings. more like you know... you know they understand you. and get you. and you get them all the same. without explanation. without reason.

laughter through good and bad times. the presence of that bond is enough to just make you feel safe. that no matter how bad the day is. everything is going to be alright. if you're still so obsessed with it, they will smack you so hard in your head, and tell you to be bersyukur. cause steve jobs just died. and you're alive. right now.

quelque chose me manque... someone taught me that. i will always feel that way. but i know it's something beautiful that i've created behind. something good that is worthwhile... to miss...

so many things is happening, or has happened. i am still sitting at the same spot. people watching. it feels like someone is squeezing my heart.

"i missed you. but i haven't met you"

it's time to pick up my feet. and walk away.

When everything gets to a place where I don’t know how to go on, I play a game. Tell myself that it’s the end of a journey, leave the luggage behind, clear my memory, and start over like a new leaf.

I am still not sure how this game ends each time, but the beginnings are always so relieving. The acknowledgement that life has just begun, makes me stupidly happy. For a day or so.

I know re-booting, reformatting my hard drives will takes its toll one day. maybe I am already close to the end. But there’s nothing to be afraid of the end if there’s nothing to be excited of before. Don’t be afraid, I tell myself.

Still. Today is not that day to start over. Give me a week. Or more.