we were asked to come up with a short sad story the other day, we would then have to design the characters and animate the story by the end of this course.

so our group came up with a generic sad story about an old man and his granddaughter. they are happy in the beginning, then the old man suffers an heart attack while watching his granddaughter play in a playground. then the granddaughter found the body and cry. The END.

we opted for the simplicity of the story and easy character design. to be honest, i am not confident that i can pull this off with the current limited skills and in such short time frame. it's hard enough to make a character walk properly, more so to make them laugh, run, cry and die.

but all other groups came up with much more interesting story lines. one of the group also stuck to the happy-then-somebody-die formula. but this time around, it is between dobby the elf and harry potter. dobby was all lonely and miserable until he found his kind master harry potter. but life is a bitch and a huge truck came along and run down harry potter. so dobby ends up crying over harry's dead body on a road side.

another group came up with a sad love story. a girl from the present time fell in love with a boy from the future. i can't remember the sad part being the moment they have to part or the moment when they met.

anyways... it would be funny to watch each other's creation at the end of the course. we're not expecting pixar tear jerking animation but rather expecting some cacat characters with even more cacat facial and body movements. i am too sarcastic to expect anything less.

stay tuned.

just tried to sort out my income tax online with a blocked nose and a cracking headache. been down with a cold and fever since yesterday. i concluded that my body did not agree with the classroom's freezing air-conditioning and bad air quality. alas, life goes on. *sneeze*

i have planned *in my head* that i shall do some tutorials over the weekend, however, by the look of it, i could barely shake off this terrible sickness to be ready for Monday. well, let's just focus on getting better now. health is the prerequisite for accomplishing anything. right?!

do i sound more positive now? no more moping about. no more break downs. really. there is no time for being gloomy by the way. routine helps shoo the nonsense out and fill up the idle sections of the brain previously so stuffed with dark thoughts... such as "i f8cked up", "i hate myself" "i hate mom" etc.

but i really. really. really want to say something here. it's been a difficult time. mainly because i drag myself down so deep that i have forgotten how to get up. i stayed in that hole for what feels like a long long time. i felt safe at first, that nobody can distract or change me. i don't want people to ask questions. i don't want people to care. i don't want people to understand. cause i don't know what's wrong with me.

sometimes i think i am addicted to feeling "miserable". as if in pain is the only way to connect to life.

i remembered i made a fuss one night and broke down in front of Sophia. well. after all the sobbing and complaining and self-pitying... she remained totally unfazed.

she reminded me that people are starving in Africa and instantly put things back in perspective.

okay. she didn't exactly said that but i stopped crying. then i was left with such hideous swell around the eyes because i rubbed them too much.

"hey, you are actually not THAT sad because you just cried a little. like sobbing quietly. with minimal tears..." she concluded.

"what?" as i inspect the damage in front of a mirror. "of course i am sad. VERY sad. i didn't bellow because i don't want the whole house to know i am crying!"

"really? because i think one couldn't control one's tear when in grief."

"..."

she's right. i certainly wasn't in the deepest shit. i can still eat. breath. and play. if i decide to. what is there to mope about when life has given you everything.

as for wanting something vague such as feeling happy, content, fulfilled.... i will have to earn it. with a family still supportive under the circumstance that they genuinely think i am going mad, and with such dear friends having to endure my series of self-absorbed mini breakdowns but still never fails to slap me back to reality, i am already privileged.

i do feel happy. albeit short and fleeting. most of the time i feel at loss. but this is me. i tend to feel too much. but as long as i remember that people are starving and dying in some part of the world even before they have the time to sit around and mope about their feelings, i am fine.

ah... now i remember what i wanted to say in the first place. i wanted to say i love you sophia. thanks for putting up with me. thanks for being a strong wonderful person with an even stronger pair of ears to withstand my nonsense...

and also to dear friends who cared or simply just curious to check out if i am still alive by reading this blog... thank you. your words kept me going... for like 5 minutes. haha.

see. i am capable to feel happy afterall. :)

today i had my first taste of acting class. i have not joined in any acting nor theatrical classes/clubs before but i have always enjoyed theatre performances and have to admit am a movie addict.

there was a theatre club in my secondary school and i have always been intrigued by these people. they were loud, explosive and sometimes hard to relate to. but they were interesting. they seem to have a point of view, know what they want and went all out on stage.

i consider myself conservative and rarely have any outburst of emotions, publicly. and also, that i cared way too much what other people would think if i acted out of the norm. which is a shame of course. cause those who really do care, will accept you for who you are. wow! really?! haha. the truth is... when you grow older, you care less.

so today we have a day of acting activities as part of the course. this is to instil in us basic observation and exaggerating skills essential in creating animation. and boy i have to say i enjoyed it.

first the class is so relaxing and we had a wonderful lady instructor. and also, everyone has to shed their shell of shyness, ego and pride in order to truly act out in front of 26 others, some stupidly giggling away. when you really are immersed in your own imagination, shunning out the external ignorant bunch :) that's when you're truly free and greatness comes out.

:) okay, maybe not that great but yes, people do enjoy looking at your acts when you're least self conscious about it. and when you open up yourself, you learn from others and also from yourself. of course i am not bragging how big a star i have become now but it's f8cking liberating, to let it go sometimes. others laugh at me, i laugh at others. in a genuinely entertained kind of way.

be a sport. be a bitch. be happy. be free.

the short course started last week. finally. it was just soft skills being taught, for the whole of the 1st week. and i could barely make it through the last 2 days.

the point now is. i am starting to feel some sense of weekends. being jobless for the past 5 months and bumming at home is only fun if you have a solid plan or if you are dying.

towards the end of my long vacation i could barely wake up before noon and stay sane. not to mentioned it's really no fun shopping online when the savings are dwindling.

so no more indulging in retail therapy or food therapy from now on. i am living very frugally and am basically starved half of the time. okay. maybe i am exaggerating but i felt like i am starved!

it's Sunday today. and nice gloomy weather. i just ate some good home-cooked food and i have my lappie just in front of me. it feels good. i could even have my favourite after meal nap later on.

i could foresee the next 2 and a half months would be a very challenging if not demanding time for me. the thought of it sends negative vibrations down my spine. but i must persevere. cause my ego is too high to quit now.

alas. let's all get a good rest today and start off on a positive foot tomorrow!

i am going to die.
eventually.
i feel hopeless.
does it make a difference?

i am losing everything.
even my needs.
i don't feel happy anymore.
do i ever?

i started to ask for help.
but nothing can save me.
i am trying not to cry.
but it is just too hard.

i am sorry.
i am just so sorry.

will i always.
always. feel this way?

整理。如果有的选择，我是不想做的。

姐姐有些书想妈妈去探望她时给带过去。要我帮忙在柜子找一下。我把柜子里的东西全搬出来，都布满了灰尘。翻着翻，竟发现了我大学时期的一捆信件。哦。。。我都忘记有这些东西了。

生日卡，新年卡，postcards，信子，照片。。。 天呀！十八岁生日时，大学朋友似有心无心的话语，塞满了一张小小的卡。哈。。。有些朋友现在还保持联络，有些没了。

还有，仰慕者每年用心的卡片，信件。。。 礼物我可能弄丢了，但是，心里还是有很多歉意。

有些信子可是写满密密麻麻的小字，我不认得是谁的字，要翻到后面察看是from谁才知道。啊，都是大学在马六甲第一年认识的女生朋友们。 大学第一年，第一次离家居住在外面宿舍，大家不免都有些革命感情。一年过后，有的继续留在马六甲，有的转大学了，我就转到CYBERJAYA分校。书信持续了一下，就断了。

信里都是很多的鼓励，关心，更多的思念。现在读回去，只有感伤。

哎，文字是留下来了，可人咧？不在乎天长地久，只在乎经用拥有？屁啦！谁不想天长地久？是没得选着，情非得以？或是分割两地，生活理念渐行渐远？只能叹物是人非？

大家曾以同一个目标，选着了同一空间，同一时空，相聚相困在一起，缘分吧，遇到了相同品性，兴趣，笑点的人。互相帮忙，学习，关心，玩乐。日子过的可能普通，但是心里是充实的。

天下无不散之宴席？可能吧？但是长大了，觉得人生不是时时刻刻都会遇上“对”的人。朋友嘛，如果是“对”了，就多互相关心，联络。付出不一定能得到回报。但是，这是我想做的。想念过去，但是别把人也留在过去了。有些人想是断了线的风筝，是拉不回了。但是还有很人关心着的，别忘了他们。

哎，想念起很多人了。。。