长大后，他们说：人是会变得现实， 而现实是残酷的。

你会失去小孩天真般的笑容。会面对许多不如意的事情，要勇于面对考验和许多难题。 你不再满足于只有糖果吃，你要的是更多更多的东西。。。

如果你的心智不强，还是傻乎乎的，建议要赶快长大，撇去天真，不然真怕那一天，幼稚的玻璃心抵抗不了压力，会噼哩啪啦的碎掉。。。 从此振作不起来。

武装起自己，虽然这不是你要的。

小插曲：

刚才和妈又起了口角，生气得大叫，没志气眼泪就流出来。。 赶快跑上楼。 现场旁观者凌晓青看的很奇怪，跟了我进房。我就背对着她，坐在电脑面前假装做事。她默默站在我背后两分钟，就出去了。我也赶紧把门锁上。

过了一阵子晓青又就在房外敲门。我不想给她看到我这副样子，久久不开门。听她还继续一直敲门，就避开心烦的去shower。殊不知冲完凉她还在敲门，我不理她，以为过了一阵子她会知难而退。mana tau 她还是一直在敲门。

手机有简讯响了。凌晓青竟然给我发MMS。 她并不知道我的恐龙时代手机是不能开MMS的。

算了，可能有重要事，把面子放下，开门去。

问她什么事，她说要借刀片。在我翻来翻去找时，她一直盯着我的脸看。问我为什么久久不开门。我说我冲凉。再问我为什么那么久，我又说我冲凉很久。

分明知道人家在房里正生气偷偷抽泣，还问三问四，根本就不给人台阶下。。。

过后我说刀片不知道放哪里了，她就又默默在房里停留了一阵子。看我不理她，就走了。

不知为什么，她的举动让我心情平静了许多。深深吸了一口气，继续做animation test 吧！

对了，在学习做球掉落的动画，看到这特别的录影。

曾经选择了一条保障型道路。保障有一定的薪资，看好的事业发展，不错的社会地位。三餐喂饱了，一般的购物欲望可以被满足，也买了基本的保险，如果继续认真努力的工作下去，是可以供车供楼的，结婚生子。虽算不上大富大贵，人生，算得上是圆满了。

但说不上中途发生了什么，可能是我的抗压能力不够强，或许是我异想天开。。。简单来说，我疯了。我竟然背弃了这一切， 从零开始。现在连自古以来的衣食住行都成问题，难道这就是我所要的？

那我到底要什么？如果我到这临头还说，“我不知道”。。。 是不是很过分？

我不是不负责任的人，除了家务以及生活琐碎事以外，工作上我还是会想把它做好，算不上是个滥人。我也喜欢钱。钱可以给我带来很多的快乐。那现在我是在干什么？

朋友说，“你很勇敢”。这听在我心，是有点心酸的呀。如果将来真的有那么一点的作为，这就是勇敢。如果将来还是一事无成，这就是蠢逼。

听起来可能是自己给自己的压力，现在选择的道路可能五年下来还不能给自己换一辆车。自己承受得了吗？我不知道。朋友说，“至少你会快乐一点”。我可能到时还得硬着头皮说就“可能吧”。

绕了一圈回到原点，我真怕我会承受不了。因为我当时是有了个想法，它并不是我的梦想。我从来就没有一个明确的梦想，今后也不会有。我的快乐最终还得建立在物质拥有上。

精神快乐，现在对我来说，是多么的沉重。因为我要的，原来是个无底洞。。。

dayah hated the dark knights. it made her feel constipated. i liked the movie. i feel constipated when I'm out of the cinema.

how convenient if i could switch off certain compartments of my brain. so i don't overwhelmed myself with ... you know... nonsense.

the movie world is a wonderful realm. some people lost themselves in it, some people are appalled by it. everyone is entitled to form their own opinion. it's quite funny to discuss how much you liked it while the other couldn't stand a minute more watching it.

my mind is heavy now and when i feel like i couldn't stand it anymore, i dig even deeper, until i'm thoroughly exhausted, that's when i will sleep most soundly.

Pina. you should watch it... you could be more constipated... or you could be free...

a friend said she is stuck.

i could picture her in a box... in a hole... or with both her feet implanted in a quicksand.

the idea to escape is always lurking around the corner.

maybe by that you could solve the current problem at hand, but you also know there is a bigger problem which lies within you and that... you don't know how to make it better.

people tell you it will be better. some days are fine. some days are not. but maybe one day you will figure it out.

i hope we will get there some day.

well. enough of depressing words. :) this is a feel good movie " Intouchables". A beautiful film to share.

now is a very sensitive period in my life. i.am.desperate.

not sure if that fits into all areas of my life but. more or less. oh shut up. whatever.

i want a job. any job. in an animation studio of course. i could be a janitor if they would have me.

it's been hard. harder than i expected. I've been told people took 3-4 years to build up their portfolio. i think i am going down. and i thought i was low enough.

well. don't sweat. don't lose it. life goes on.

and yes. i wasn't really looking forward to attending one of my Uni friend's wedding last Sunday. but it turn out quite nice actually. hmmn... maybe not the part where my lecturer asked me where am i working now and i have to answer across the table that i am "looking for one". i thought i heard my soul dying inside. *mental note* request not to be seated with lecturer if you don't have a job.

besides that, everything else is nice. the food is superb. because you know, it's hard to be surprised by the generic wedding meals now but i still know when the food is good. and i got to sit down beside good old uni mates and catch-up.

i haven't seen Lee since i was up in penang 4 years ago, crashing at her place, attending TWO job interviews. TWO! my goodness! all the while i was taking my own sweet time. of course, my resume was relevant back then.  *sob* what have i come to now. *pick yourself up!*

okay, that's not the point. where was I? ah yes... i was having a good time. we were in a close tight group, staying together, interned together... it was a fun time. i nearly forgot how it felt like. and after all these years. when we started talking again, it feels like only yesterday that we stayed-up late to watch korean dramas together. and the wonderful thing is, we didn't grow into some old bitter passive maid. maybe i did. abit.

time flew by quickly, and it was time to say our goodbyes. i have to say, this is the only wedding so far, that i felt sad that it ended. it was good to see you again, lee, neesha, lion, sophia (this doesn't count). i will definitely not wait for another 4 years to meet up with you guys.

ps: lee, you really have to change your tilam this time around.