December used to be my favourite month. school holidays. Christmas. then new year. the month of anticipation. used to go out of the way to celebrate the first day of the new year. took buses to the city centre. squashed among thousands to catch the fireworks. then marched with the crowd along the filthy streets. taking in all of it. the atmosphere.

are you the same person back when you were... 10 years ago? i am not sure myself. i think i am. deep down the core. i am still the proud, shy, cowardice and lazy girl. By the way, just the other day when i accompany the girls for their swimming lesson, two primary school kids were calling me "auntie". well. it's adequate. but it felt really weird transitioning into this phase. but it wasn't as awkward now.

this week has been fairly horrible. i have been following china series on youtube for the whole week. and time passes like no-other-people's-business when you are absorbed in the drama, of course i am now officially the useless jerk at home not helping with house chores. i stayed up late and woke up even later. and i think i smell something rotten in the air...

also.... on wednesday, i told the Nepalese grass-cutter to come today cause no one's at home and i was still in a sleeping-state. and he came this morning and i told him to come next week again cause there's just me in the house and i wasn't in the mood. then mom came back 5 minutes later and saw him stopped by a police car at the street junction just outside my house. i guess he's in trouble now as i don't think he has a legitimate work permit. and of course, i felt like the b-i-t-c-h.

uurrgghh.... this guilt. it will pass. like everything else. a string of actions that resulted in a string of consequences. i hope this week ends soon. and i hope to see the grass-cutter back next week. no grudges. fingers crossed.