"We humans... are like a cup of water.
If we can't empty our past, we can't fit in the future.
Same as knowledge, same as expectation."
now... i am not sure if i can empty my cup. even though the cup can only hold that staling liquid for so long. i ask myself. what exactly am i hanging on to? why do i fear to take the step... away....
in a frantic break down moment, i started reaching out to whoever i thought could help me. madly typing away my mind. asking for help. begging for relief.
no one can help me. i drowned. in my own sorrow, all is in my own doing, i realised.
my heart is unwilling to start afresh. i have filled a lot of past in it. i am not sure what are they... but i know they were special, they made me feel special. as if my sanity depended on it.
only a baby step into the strange realm made me cringe. it's not what i expected, worse, i didn't feel what i so desperately wanted to feel. my fantasy fortress that i so stubbornly built crumbles down.
reality? i can't go back. i can't go forward.
reality? i do want security afterall.
what can you handle? what can you do? i ask myself. these are not "wants"; these are reality. am i able to find something that i could do? more importantly, that i could persevere? most importantly, something that has security?
i am so proud, that i don't handle disappointments well. i am weak, that i can't handle stress. i have commitment issues, the first thing on my mind is always escape.
excuses doesn't cut it. i know. but, i don't even know if I will cut it anymore.
1 comments:
I think bcoz ur work has become "dynamic" ie. not those usual daily static routine tasks as before(if any..) and that makes you cannot feel comfortable at all, or at least not immediate comfort zone, hehe. new world. (with)new challenge. Maybe give urself some time to fit in, I believe the team is fun and energetic bcoz they've nothing to fear... ;p
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