it was the first time i stayed in a house with big furry cats. having those big piercing eyes staring back at me did not put me at ease but... it was one of the most relaxing stay i have ever had.

thank you. the pizza, spaghetti, chicken drumlets have never tasted that good. and shall never be again.

i used to go blank at quotes such as "learn to love yourself". i don't know if it's possible to not love myself more. i'm every bit self absorbed, self centered, self-ish. of course i love myself.

but then i started to hate myself. i don't want to be me anymore. i don't want to change me. i don't want to accept me. i am just never... enough.

love thyself. is it possible? can i love what i have... can i love what i don't have... can i love what i can do... but also love what i can't do... can i love all these flaws and strengths in me? i don't know.

i want to be better. but i am not sure if i am cut out for it. to love thyself. is hard.

Also to quote:

家中老母狗生了8只小狗。生宝宝本来是件开心事。但是我看了宝宝们，蠕动着，还没睁开眼。。。 我看着看着，脑子闪过一念头。不然就趁它们还小，还不懂，还没看过，还没体会过，就。。。 结束掉生命吧。

它们只是小菜狗。。。不会有人愿意领养的。没人要的狗。。。 不就是。。。 8 条一文不值的生命。。。

小孩们直叫 “好可爱哟” “baby 很可爱。。。”

我心纠了。可爱。。。 可爱。。。。 到头来。。。不就是。。。 可怜没人爱。

4 year old: Gugu! Cake! Cake!

30 year old: Yes.... wow! Whose birthday is it? *big grin*

4 year old:  ME! ME! didi's birthday!

30 year old: Yesss... you can blow the candles tonight!

4 year old: yes yes... didi blow candles!

30 year old: and what will you wish for?

4 year old:.... yes yes.. blow candles... wish before blow candles....

30 year old: uuhhh huuhhh... and what is your wish?

4 year old: wish wish... i wish (both hands enclosed)... i wish... i wish... to blow candles!

心情不安，烦躁。平静的外表，复杂的内心。微笑着，把这一切都咽下去。

就当以为累了，冷静了，一通电话，一份小礼物， 一个极致单纯的祝福，彻底给崩溃了。

这一刻，眼泪是幸福的。