December. My favourite month. Got off work early to go into the capital for a dinner and christmas gift shopping.

I didn't expect to feel like this. like.... having a part of you taken away. no pain, no warning, just slowly... gradually... feeling the emptiness... and missing something... something you can't even identify. i know i am melodramatic. just... i wasn't prepared to feel it tonight.

an old friend. a mere one hour quick catch up over dinner. talking as if we have just spoke yesterday but only to realise... it has been five years. and we seemed the same. just that he stuck it out at his first job and has since done well until today, got hitched with the love of his life, became a father to a healthily "large" boy named after the sexiest man alive. and me... barely hanging on my third job, "figuring-life", and .... just... keep on "figuring" really....

it feels as if nothing has changed. but yet so much has changed. we weren't even close. but we don't need to share the deepest secrets to have a good laugh over nothing. it happened just like it always does. cynical laughter. banter. thrown in some half-hearted encouragement.

then it hit me. when we parted on the sidewalk to some very crowded restaurants... here he is... saying goodbye and about to leave to catch his flight at ten. and i suddenly felt... a pang of sadness... just slapping me across the face.

it's not him. obviously. we were barely in each other's life to speak of. and catching up over once every five years is not enough to break my heart really. just... i don't know.... he is an old friend back from the days... the Uni days... which are so... soooo... sooooooo... distant that i could hardly remember. but it is some big part of my life... some five years of my life... that consciously and subconsciously shaped me.

i was fresh, naive (still is) and had a bad sense of fashion. oh well, maybe still is. i think. and standing on that pavement tonight, i felt sick. i felt... time-sick. i felt that meeting this old friend of mine... just brings me back to rewind all those five years before, in between and after. and looking at life....generally... happening through time.

as i walk away to "figure" what christmas gift to buy... i carry this unexpected melancholy... i could only hope... when we meet again in five years time, i would be in a better state of mind. for you could wish nothing more for a friend. to be happy and loved.

December. always tainted with a slight nostalgia. nevertheless... still my favourite month.

like this...

cause and effect. all the yes'es and no's and don't know's that have led me to where i am and feel right now...

alas... with tired eyes, mushy brain, and sagging mouth, let's face another day.

do you remember when is the last kind act that strangers have bestowed on you? it could be a smile. or a helpful customer service over the phone. or a simple comfort when you're in distress.

i have lost the spontaneous kindness in me. i judge. i doubt. i question people's motives. life is very different for me now. it's shadowed by goals. achievements. and disappointments when you don't have that. you forget. you forget to smile. to be thankful for the littlest things. to help others even in the smallest gestures.

life is unfair in many ways. and i am privileged. now... don't forget. don't forget to be kind. because it could just make a man's day in life that much bearable. and we all know how hard some days can be.

还有三个月就到年底了。人老了些，似有似无地，长了些，又短了些。想想自己。。。 嗯，没意思。

继续，继续，继续，除了继续，还是继续。谈不上是累了，还是萌了。。。 就是，别想了。

大家。。。都加油吧。

After a wedding dinner, in the car, on the drive back....

little nephew out of the blue, put his hands together... closed his eyes... and said...

" thank god for letting us go dinner.... thank god for eating full..."

*awkward silence*

"where did he learn that from?" splurt the father.

"from the kindergarten." explained the mom.

"...." the grandpa

and then the boy went ....

"when you're happy and you know it~~~ say AMEN!~~~ AMEN~~”

i love this place. this house. i wonder if there will be a chance... when you can build you own house. and build a life with it.

it's a bit cold. a bit rusty. and a bit too basic. but then. it's perfect. one day. maybe i will build the perfect house and create a home for myself. :)

while the pup and his parents are infested with ticks... going to apply frontline to them sometime this week. :( i am looking forward to this long weekend. without a say the days will just fly when it's off work. but it's going to be a good month.

friends are all yearning for a loooong break, just a monday off wouldn't be enough but it is what it is. how i wish i could be a baby again with no worries and expectations. :) now.. some panda luv!!!!