梦见了很多人。很乱。突然大学不怎么熟的同学出现了， 并且要和我另一个外国同学结婚。教堂里出现了许多路人甲路人乙， 他们都说是在路途上遇见的。面孔极熟悉，但我一时想不起来。可能是电视上看过吧。
然后我醒了。冒了冷汗。我顿时忘了自己在那里，在做什么， 该做什么。回过神来， 意识到自己该醒来了。心里感到无限的彷徨，惆怅。我不醒来，可以吗？
Type.
9 years ago
8/20/2012 07:57:00 PM
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Posted by
Meanniee
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comments (0)
"I'm thinking that sometimes you just have to make the decision to be happy. Just decide. Things aren't ever what you hoped they'd be. Not ever, for anybody. The only thing that separates one kind of person from another is there are some who stay angry about it and there are some who... accept what comes their way. "
~ quote ~ Away from her
我正在吃着午餐，然后我看到他幽幽的走了过来。我心想，他应该是想讲话。。。 或许更正确来说，想讲教。他，是我的上司。
他：你想听一个故事吗？
我：。。。 嗯。你想说就说吧。
他：从前，有一对年老的夫妇。西班牙人。。。退休过后搬到一海边。海边附近有座山崖。。。 很出名。叫。。。 自杀山崖。每年都有很多人到那山崖自杀。
我： 。。。 是吗？
他：这是真人真事。
我：哦。
他：是是是。。。 我不骗你。这老头每天都看着山崖。。。 这老头叫。。。 DON richard 吧。。。 每当他看到有人要跳崖，他就冲过去，第一件事，就是给对方一个微笑。并且邀请那个人跟他回家吃一顿饭。他太太就负责准备食物。他们用热情招待想要自杀的人。过了二十年吧，他们总共救了过百想自杀的人。
我：哦。
他：所以说，微笑是很重要的。一个微笑，就能救一个人。所以要记得要微笑。
我：嗯。。。
他：嘻嘻嘻。。。 see！ 微笑！
我：嗯。。。谢谢。你救了我的命。
他：哦！thank you！ *狂笑*。。。 你也试一下救救你周围的人吧！
我：。。。
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后记：我看我是严重的对这公司带来的创伤。不说我工作上没办法交差，导致动画必须重做，浪费大家的时间和资源。现在，连最基本人与人的沟通，“微笑” 都没办法进行。我。好累。
8/16/2012 10:55:00 PM
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Posted by
Meanniee
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comments (0)
the sadness... is that i give up whenever i'm unhappy.
the sadness... is that i will always be unhappy.
it's been almost a week starting at the new place. and my mind is a million miles away.
the people in the company is young, energetic, positive and fun. but i am not.
they asked me if i want to join them for lunch, if i want to go broga hills/waterfall picnic/yum cha with them. i said no.
they would be the most ideal colleagues, kind, friendly, enthusiastic. this would be "ideal", but now all i can feel is... bitter.
just yesterday, the team lead called me to have a "talk". to my surprise, it's not a talk about work... he basically wanted to know about EVERYTHING. what i eat for lunch, why i don't mingle with the people, why i look like a dead cow, why i am so quiet despite being a gemini (he asked about my horoscope), what's bothering me, am i married, do i have a boyfriend, and why i don't have a boyfriend, if i have a religion, if i have friends, are my friends real, do i have family problems....
i don't know if this is how the "creative" field people communicate but ... yes... i don't talk about my personal feelings and worries to a colleague that i have known for 5 days.
but when i persisted that i am having some adapting issues and i preferred not to tell him. he replied " so sien!"
then he continued to grill me more.... i would reply in dead one sentences, he would think of another way to dig for more.
it was awkward. he thinks that i am depressed and suicidal, and it would greatly jeopardise the team and he wants to help. he is half right.
today he talk to me during lunch about the teachings of Buddhism and Confucius. at the meantime trying to figure that are the "issues" that i am concealing from him. and he concluded that he knows my problem. he said and i quote "you need a boyfriend".
it is a very amusing situation.
then seeing he is so genuinely interested. i told him that i am concerned about financial security and i am torn if i really have the heart to pursue this. this conversation took place on the pantry table with 3 more other "audience".
well, that silenced him for 5 minutes. then we continue to talk about funerals, insurance, and food.
this is a very close-knit company. and i am the stranger standing in it, looking out.
"We humans... are like a cup of water.
If we can't empty our past, we can't fit in the future.
Same as knowledge, same as expectation."
now... i am not sure if i can empty my cup. even though the cup can only hold that staling liquid for so long. i ask myself. what exactly am i hanging on to? why do i fear to take the step... away....
in a frantic break down moment, i started reaching out to whoever i thought could help me. madly typing away my mind. asking for help. begging for relief.
no one can help me. i drowned. in my own sorrow, all is in my own doing, i realised.
my heart is unwilling to start afresh. i have filled a lot of past in it. i am not sure what are they... but i know they were special, they made me feel special. as if my sanity depended on it.
only a baby step into the strange realm made me cringe. it's not what i expected, worse, i didn't feel what i so desperately wanted to feel. my fantasy fortress that i so stubbornly built crumbles down.
reality? i can't go back. i can't go forward.
reality? i do want security afterall.
what can you handle? what can you do? i ask myself. these are not "wants"; these are reality. am i able to find something that i could do? more importantly, that i could persevere? most importantly, something that has security?
i am so proud, that i don't handle disappointments well. i am weak, that i can't handle stress. i have commitment issues, the first thing on my mind is always escape.
excuses doesn't cut it. i know. but, i don't even know if I will cut it anymore.
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