I can't deny the fact that i gained most of my happiness and fulfillment from owning something. Be it materialistic or spiritually. The sense of satisfaction and security may last from a few seconds to even up to a few years.... the feeling of being safe and secure. And that you're not the odd one out.

Individualistic. Never been and never will be. For me. Always being one of the crowd. Feeling safe. Feeling understood.

It's strange. I've slowly come to accept that ... indeed... everyday and every seconds that passes by will be a deduction to my pool of existence. I have not yet hit the so called mid-life crises whereby i would freak out and do things totally out of my character. And i have not changed my perspective and fears. I am just simply doing nothing, living today as i would yesterday.

But i feel restless. I am not motivated to do anything as of late, but at the back of my mind, I am afraid. I am afraid of regrets. There are nights when i lay down wide awake, mentally running through the pasts. And i know... i only regret the things i never do. And i wonder, how soon will i drown in my self inflicted mountain of woes... of not trying... of not trying enough.

Maybe the fear of the failing is holding me back. Or simply knowing that nothing is ever going to be as expected. A different path just means a different experiences along the way... they may be better or worse... and i am afraid of the later. What could be worse... i am not sure. But i hate to be judged. Even though i am doing exactly that.

I don't ever want to be alone.. or... forgotten. I want to own people's affection, have relief in playing a small part in people's lives... families... friends... pets even...

But no one is prepared to not expect anything back from giving affection. I am neither religious nor a saint. Once I've invested on something, I want something back... anything... anything is better than nothing. Life feels fuller that way. Like a closed circle. No hanging loose ends.

But the thing with a closed loop is.. that it keeps going round and round... i will want more and more... like it's never ending. I am not even sure if there is a end to desire.

What you own ends up owning you.

To let go... does not equal you lose.... but you actually gain... you gain back your freedom.

三月 -- 雨纷纷。三月 -- 断人肠。

亲爱的人，生病了。是心理的病，更导致身体严重受损。

这病，恐怕会伴随她一辈子。我们能帮的，或许现在能保住她身体，但是，她需要极度的毅力和坚强，去克服她内心的恐惧。。。

因为，有一天，她还要自己站起来，勇敢说，我不会败给这病，我要健康的活下去。。。我会让自己快乐起来。。。 还有很多我想尝试的事情， 还有很多我想看的景观，还有很多我想说的，做的，吃的，喝的，玩的，爱的。。。很多很多。。。 虽然她现在不是这么想。。。 但是，我不想放弃希望，有一天，她会恢复健康起来的，她会有力气打我，有能力笑起来， 有勇气创造她自己的健康人生。

想着想着，不自觉又难过起来。。。 古人说，悲痛莫大于生离死别。。。 看到身边致亲的人病了，何等的难过。。。跑了几趟医院，看到无数的人们都在与病魔抗战，生心焦脆。。。 医院里的大家，心里似乎都明白了，明白什么是最重要的-- 健康的身与心。失去这个，你就什么都没有了。。。

能让自己快乐起来，是多么的难得。能让身边的人笑起来，是多么的可贵。这看似简单的道理，现在对她来说，是多么不可能。。。她的世界有多灰暗。。。 我不敢想，只希望她不要放弃，千万不要放弃，要抗拒病魔，让自己走出来。

爱。。。让生命有意义。 爱。。。也让生命有牵挂。我的心。。。这一阵阵的痛，不就是因为有爱吗？