Ownership

5/04/2017 07:26:00 PM / Posted by Meanniee / comments (0)

I can't deny the fact that i gained most of my happiness and fulfillment from owning something. Be it materialistic or spiritually. The sense of satisfaction and security may last from a few seconds to even up to a few years.... the feeling of being safe and secure. And that you're not the odd one out.

Individualistic. Never been and never will be. For me. Always being one of the crowd. Feeling safe. Feeling understood.

It's strange. I've slowly come to accept that ... indeed... everyday and every seconds that passes by will be a deduction to my pool of existence. I have not yet hit the so called mid-life crises whereby i would freak out and do things totally out of my character. And i have not changed my perspective and fears. I am just simply doing nothing, living today as i would yesterday.

But i feel restless. I am not motivated to do anything as of late, but at the back of my mind, I am afraid. I am afraid of regrets. There are nights when i lay down wide awake, mentally running through the pasts. And i know... i only regret the things i never do. And i wonder, how soon will i drown in my self inflicted mountain of woes... of not trying... of not trying enough.

Maybe the fear of the failing is holding me back. Or simply knowing that nothing is ever going to be as expected. A different path just means a different experiences along the way... they may be better or worse... and i am afraid of the later. What could be worse... i am not sure. But i hate to be judged. Even though i am doing exactly that.

I don't ever want to be alone.. or... forgotten. I want to own people's affection, have relief in playing a small part in people's lives... families... friends... pets even...

But no one is prepared to not expect anything back from giving affection. I am neither religious nor a saint. Once I've invested on something, I want something back... anything... anything is better than nothing. Life feels fuller that way. Like a closed circle. No hanging loose ends.

But the thing with a closed loop is.. that it keeps going round and round... i will want more and more... like it's never ending. I am not even sure if there is a end to desire.

What you own ends up owning you.

To let go... does not equal you lose.... but you actually gain... you gain back your freedom.

三月

3/31/2017 08:08:00 PM / Posted by Meanniee / comments (0)



三月 -- 雨纷纷。三月 -- 断人肠。

亲爱的人,生病了。是心理的病,更导致身体严重受损。

这病,恐怕会伴随她一辈子。我们能帮的,或许现在能保住她身体,但是,她需要极度的毅力和坚强,去克服她内心的恐惧。。。

因为,有一天,她还要自己站起来,勇敢说,我不会败给这病,我要健康的活下去。。。我会让自己快乐起来。。。 还有很多我想尝试的事情, 还有很多我想看的景观,还有很多我想说的,做的,吃的,喝的,玩的,爱的。。。很多很多。。。 虽然她现在不是这么想。。。 但是,我不想放弃希望,有一天,她会恢复健康起来的,她会有力气打我,有能力笑起来, 有勇气创造她自己的健康人生。

想着想着,不自觉又难过起来。。。 古人说,悲痛莫大于生离死别。。。 看到身边致亲的人病了,何等的难过。。。跑了几趟医院,看到无数的人们都在与病魔抗战,生心焦脆。。。 医院里的大家,心里似乎都明白了,明白什么是最重要的-- 健康的身与心。失去这个,你就什么都没有了。。。

能让自己快乐起来,是多么的难得。能让身边的人笑起来,是多么的可贵。这看似简单的道理,现在对她来说,是多么不可能。。。她的世界有多灰暗。。。 我不敢想,只希望她不要放弃,千万不要放弃,要抗拒病魔,让自己走出来。

爱。。。让生命有意义。 爱。。。也让生命有牵挂。我的心。。。这一阵阵的痛,不就是因为有爱吗?


长大。。。需要明白的东西。。。

10/09/2016 10:59:00 PM / Posted by Meanniee / comments (0)

上个月我辞职了。没有下一步,没有另一份工作等着我, 没有想法,就这样。。。我辞职了。

我又发疯了吗?为什么?我承认我是自私的,没有任何约束和责任需要我承担。纯粹就要停下来,站在原地,坐下,躺着,就这样。不想,不看,不听,不要。。。

当然,我最终还是会要站起来,向前走。 我是要养活我自己的。

我不小,可以说是大龄了,三十三,我。。。三十三岁了吗?这代表什么,我不知道我应该是怎样才算是合格的三十三,我的想法,不安,挣扎。。。一直从我懂事以来没有改变过。岁月留下的只是回忆和经历。或许我从经验里学会做更明确的选择,减少会让自己难受的事。但是我不觉得我是个“大人”,而是变得更小心翼翼,感觉像是个大孩子,两只手把现有的东西捉得紧紧的,不愿失去,但也不再可以去捕捉新的东西。

我害怕,我本来就是非常胆怯,小时害怕自己上厕所,大时害怕自己吃晚餐,现在害怕面对未来。。。

看看周围的人,每个人都很勇敢在生活,当生活不如意时,就咬齿牙根去面对。每个人心中都有个或大或小的梦想,都得一步一步努力耕耘,没有所谓的不劳而获。这我明百。

或许这三十三年里,我理解到现实不会是完美的。我不完美,但我却是个可恶的理想龟毛者,加上一颗玻璃心,很多时候处于不满状态里,很多事情看不开,放不下。。。 三十三年,确实有点心累。

朋友说我内心戏很重。哈哈。。。 对。重得我都无感了。

我不想长大。我看我就是这个款了。但是我不能逃避,未来即将面对的事情还是会来临的。我不知道我会不会过得去,我会怕,会哭,会很无助。。。但是,我明白我必须面对的。

这或许就是,长大。。。需要明白的东西。。。

4/10/2016 11:40:00 PM / Posted by Meanniee / comments (0)


哪怕停留的时间短暂,
离别总有几分怅然。

你问我那是怎样的思绪,
我想说这是,
岁月消逝和渐觉空无的喜悦与忧伤。


姐妹

12/04/2015 11:45:00 PM / Posted by Meanniee / comments (0)


网上看到的一段文。。。 真美好。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
发小。
随口说起来是个普普通通的词,不过就是从小一起长大的好朋友。
可是仔细想想,才会发现这有多么不容易。
能够从小一起长大,这需要多少缘分。
能在长大这样漫长的过程中同步改变,这需要多少巧合。
能在飞逝的时光中始终要好,这又有多么难得。
有多少曾经近在身旁的人,走着走着,就变了模样,松开了紧握的手,切断联系,去了不同的方向。
一路走来,更常见的是不停来来去去的人,都是路过,只能分享生命的一瞬。
多少人能一直旁观你的人生?参与你每一个重要的时刻?
经历过时光洗礼的人们,在一起,何其幸运。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

过客

10/04/2015 07:36:00 PM / Posted by Meanniee / comments (0)

还有三个月就到年尾了。2015, 是这样就要结束了吗?时间真的过的太无情,太快了。回首一看,你今年过得好吗?你有疯狂大笑,狼狈抓狂,或者默默努力坚持地过好每一天吗?

最近,公司里太多人辞职了。让我真的觉得有点茫然。过往的同学们,同事们,就像是我生命中的过客。我们偶然的相遇了,彼此在对方的生活中留下或多或少的印象。我的世界因为相遇的人们变得更有内容。。。 真的,不煽情,我的选择,我的经历,真的有大部分是受他人的影响。

我不是一个从小就知道自己要成为怎么样的人。。。 我一路走来,就是潜意识的吸收了过客们的言语。。。就如有位男孩分享过他对动画的热情。。。 让我觉得动画很有趣呀。。。就愤然跳进这火海了。。。 好神奇呀。

当然。。。 这过程还是需要勇气的。我失去的,拥有的,都会是我个人独特的感受。

With age comes wisdom...

时间和经历会让你长智慧。时间会让人把不愉快的过程淡忘,留下美好的片段。

如果生命是一个减数。。。 你会更珍惜当下吗?把芝麻繁琐负面的都看淡,选择微笑迎接每一天。尽量正面思考, 因为真的没必要再和自己过不去。毕竟,你的难过还得自己来感受, 这又不会改变任何结局。

如果有想去做的事情,当然不是什么伤天害理的。。。 就去实现吧。就算是非常卑微,可笑的小事。。。 就算是半途而废。。。 就算到头来觉得非常愚蠢。。。 它都是珍贵的经历。

因为。。。 我不能把时间缓慢,停止。而我只能把时间转换成美好的回忆, 储蓄在我脑海里。




9/07/2015 04:30:00 PM / Posted by Meanniee / comments (0)


For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness. –Andy Rooney