I can't deny the fact that i gained most of my happiness and fulfillment from owning something. Be it materialistic or spiritually. The sense of satisfaction and security may last from a few seconds to even up to a few years.... the feeling of being safe and secure. And that you're not the odd one out.Individualistic. Never been and never will be. For me. Always being one of the crowd. Feeling safe. Feeling understood.
It's strange. I've slowly come to accept that ... indeed... everyday and every seconds that passes by will be a deduction to my pool of existence. I have not yet hit the so called mid-life crises whereby i would freak out and do things totally out of my character. And i have not changed my perspective and fears. I am just simply doing nothing, living today as i would yesterday.
But i feel restless. I am not motivated to do anything as of late, but at the back of my mind, I am afraid. I am afraid of regrets. There are nights when i lay down wide awake, mentally running through the pasts. And i know... i only regret the things i never do. And i wonder, how soon will i drown in my self inflicted mountain of woes... of not trying... of not trying enough.
Maybe the fear of the failing is holding me back. Or simply knowing that nothing is ever going to be as expected. A different path just means a different experiences along the way... they may be better or worse... and i am afraid of the later. What could be worse... i am not sure. But i hate to be judged. Even though i am doing exactly that.
I don't ever want to be alone.. or... forgotten. I want to own people's affection, have relief in playing a small part in people's lives... families... friends... pets even...
But no one is prepared to not expect anything back from giving affection. I am neither religious nor a saint. Once I've invested on something, I want something back... anything... anything is better than nothing. Life feels fuller that way. Like a closed circle. No hanging loose ends.
But the thing with a closed loop is.. that it keeps going round and round... i will want more and more... like it's never ending. I am not even sure if there is a end to desire.
What you own ends up owning you.
To let go... does not equal you lose.... but you actually gain... you gain back your freedom.