December. My favourite month. Got off work early to go into the capital for a dinner and christmas gift shopping.

I didn't expect to feel like this. like.... having a part of you taken away. no pain, no warning, just slowly... gradually... feeling the emptiness... and missing something... something you can't even identify. i know i am melodramatic. just... i wasn't prepared to feel it tonight.

an old friend. a mere one hour quick catch up over dinner. talking as if we have just spoke yesterday but only to realise... it has been five years. and we seemed the same. just that he stuck it out at his first job and has since done well until today, got hitched with the love of his life, became a father to a healthily "large" boy named after the sexiest man alive. and me... barely hanging on my third job, "figuring-life", and .... just... keep on "figuring" really....

it feels as if nothing has changed. but yet so much has changed. we weren't even close. but we don't need to share the deepest secrets to have a good laugh over nothing. it happened just like it always does. cynical laughter. banter. thrown in some half-hearted encouragement.

then it hit me. when we parted on the sidewalk to some very crowded restaurants... here he is... saying goodbye and about to leave to catch his flight at ten. and i suddenly felt... a pang of sadness... just slapping me across the face.

it's not him. obviously. we were barely in each other's life to speak of. and catching up over once every five years is not enough to break my heart really. just... i don't know.... he is an old friend back from the days... the Uni days... which are so... soooo... sooooooo... distant that i could hardly remember. but it is some big part of my life... some five years of my life... that consciously and subconsciously shaped me.

i was fresh, naive (still is) and had a bad sense of fashion. oh well, maybe still is. i think. and standing on that pavement tonight, i felt sick. i felt... time-sick. i felt that meeting this old friend of mine... just brings me back to rewind all those five years before, in between and after. and looking at life....generally... happening through time.

as i walk away to "figure" what christmas gift to buy... i carry this unexpected melancholy... i could only hope... when we meet again in five years time, i would be in a better state of mind. for you could wish nothing more for a friend. to be happy and loved.

December. always tainted with a slight nostalgia. nevertheless... still my favourite month.