1. to do some... any kind of research on how to go around the "places of interest".... i wouldn't... or shouldn't rather.. depend on my travel mate.

2. to pack... lightly.

3. to wash off my ugly chipped nail polish. and paint it with yet another ugly colour.

4. to shave, pluck, trim....

5. to borrow a camera.

6. to print out accommodation booking.

7. to remind my travel mate to check in online. or else ditch her altogether.

8. ... more money!!!


fingers crossed no nature or humanly induced accidents. and we come back in one piece, sane, and not pissed off with each other.

all is last minute. i feel slightly dizzy and frankly, not used to making plans. but if there is no expectations, there will be no disappointments. hmmn... i do sound like a pessimistic lazy arse.

hope there will be good cheap food. cheap drinks. and free fireworks!

till then. happy new year!

脑子，空间有限。很多事情都装不下。很多回忆，渐渐流失。

2012 快要过了。新的一年，新的数字。想紧紧抓住的，却是旧的东西。

我还来不及呐喊，悲泣, 它们却已不经意的蒸发， 留下苦涩的滋味。

this was the second foreign film I've watched in the cinema. i think. the first was "Ponette". and a few of my unfortunate friends still hold me accountable for the "traumatic" experience.

recently, i've been exchanging and sharing some thoughts on foreign films with a colleague. and this movie popped up. i like the story, the settings and the music scores.

a beautiful piano score. "small happiness"

"let's meet before i leave."

"we will meet. i promise."

"i'll never see you again."

"never say never."

never say never. i don't know if it is just being optimistic, or it is something people say when they don't want to admit to the finality of things. because sometimes... never is... never.

there's always something better left unsaid. because saying them will not change a thing. because saying them will only show how hopeless the situation is. because saying them makes you cry. and sadness is useless.

is it so weak to show your tears? is your pride worth defending to not speak your mind? is it so feeble to say " i will miss you . i love you. and i don't want you to leave?" when you know that parting is inevitable... and words are futile.

affection comes and goes. life comes and goes. but as the earth shifts beneath you, the day passes you by, you do remember some words... and they meant something in that time and space.

just because they could have been left unsaid but they were not. they were spoken to mark the moment... and to signify an end.

it has reached a point in my life that i'm eating my own words.

it's not a good feeling. but then again. i am not the person i was before. and i am not going to be the same in let's say, a year later. well, i might not even be here.

so, push aside your pride, for you are only trying to learn and live and love. mistakes, blunders, failures... they are hard to face and plough through. but they will definitely not be something you are ashamed off when the time comes.

you see yourself in them, these so-called experiences, how naive you were, how convinced you were, how stupid, how young... you will never be the same.

but then as you look back. you always. always missed the way you were back then.

“敏仪，你可以陪我下楼吗？”

她现在会直接叫我的名字。

“嗯。好的。”

“你伤心吗？Bruce Ling 死了。”

“伤心。”

“你知道吗？我现在很像在做梦。”

“为什么呢？”

“因为我不想 Bruce Ling 死啊。”

“嗯。没事。你很快就不会伤心了。。。因为做梦过后就是醒来的时候了。”

梦。人生可以有许多梦。人生也像是一场梦。醒着，睡着， 醒着，睡着。。。

he was gone. unexpected. there were signs. there were sadness.

i've denied him the only thing he's ever wanted. and given a second chance, i'd still be incapable to... love.

but he was loved, just as he loved. and as people grow to forget him, she misses him, she wonders if he's ever coming back, she remembers him.

知道自己是有期限的，像装了沙子的玻璃瓶。

i can't remember the last book which grabs my attention in every way. the humour, the self-flagellation... arhh... and the romantic delusions. oh well, maybe "veronica decides to die". but that is a whole other story.

i found this "geography of bliss" book in the pantry and now i'm halfway into the Bhutan chapter. i read it when i am having meal breaks everyday now. for one, i don't look like a total fool eating all by myself and second, i have an excuse to be a unsociable human being, and third, i actually enjoyed the book.

the author's quest to find who, when, where and how to achieve "happiness" is indeed enlightening. there are certain anecdotes which stayed with me for a while. until i forget them twenty minutes later.

this, is a passage between the Author and a Bhutan monk/intellectual named Karma.

Now. i am just a flesh and blood atheist full of anger and envy. i have good days, mostly bad ones these days. but i think i "get" what the Karma is saying. this sense of "peace" you have to make with yourself, is what allows you to appreciate what you have.

alas. i still feel angry. mainly because i got a parking summon yesterday for not parking in a "bracket" in an overcrowded parking space. i tried to show the town council my monthly pass this morning but to no avail. after paying the fine and a mere 10 hours later i got another summon smugly tug under my windshield wiper because i forgot to stick back the said monthly pass that i so fervently waved in front of the authority in hopes of some kind of waiver....

i think i wrote this post just to justify the last bit.

*sigh*

there was a time when we would gather on weekends, play ping pong, hide and seek, ride bicycles, buy ice tubes, sit around a board game for 5, playing away while eating our 20 cents ice tubes.

we broke a vase, burned peanuts with candles, made fun of each other, laughed so hard... that i pee-ed my pants... literally. and you guys laughed even harder.

we didn't know each other well, we didn't care enough, but we know, those were good times. those were the best.

now, i am not my-ten-year-old-self , you are not your-ten-year-old-self, but i miss those five ten-year-olds. i miss us.

其实也没什么。不生气，但也不要哭泣。到不了，就别勉强了。

it's a nice feeling when you've watched a good film that struck a chord with your heart, in this case, makes you feel good.

somedays... i wonder. what is it that i am missing? they say, you will always, always be missing something. be it a person, or food, or a drink, or a smoke, the weather, a feeling...

i thought i would write again if i feel better. but i don't know when that will be, if it will be. so i try to look at what's in front of me, nothing too far off, not even tomorrow.

梦见了很多人。很乱。突然大学不怎么熟的同学出现了， 并且要和我另一个外国同学结婚。教堂里出现了许多路人甲路人乙， 他们都说是在路途上遇见的。面孔极熟悉，但我一时想不起来。可能是电视上看过吧。

我正在吃着午餐，然后我看到他幽幽的走了过来。我心想，他应该是想讲话。。。 或许更正确来说，想讲教。他，是我的上司。

it's been almost a week starting at the new place. and my mind is a million miles away.

长大后，他们说：人是会变得现实， 而现实是残酷的。

你会失去小孩天真般的笑容。会面对许多不如意的事情，要勇于面对考验和许多难题。 你不再满足于只有糖果吃，你要的是更多更多的东西。。。

如果你的心智不强，还是傻乎乎的，建议要赶快长大，撇去天真，不然真怕那一天，幼稚的玻璃心抵抗不了压力，会噼哩啪啦的碎掉。。。 从此振作不起来。

武装起自己，虽然这不是你要的。

小插曲：

刚才和妈又起了口角，生气得大叫，没志气眼泪就流出来。。 赶快跑上楼。 现场旁观者凌晓青看的很奇怪，跟了我进房。我就背对着她，坐在电脑面前假装做事。她默默站在我背后两分钟，就出去了。我也赶紧把门锁上。

过了一阵子晓青又就在房外敲门。我不想给她看到我这副样子，久久不开门。听她还继续一直敲门，就避开心烦的去shower。殊不知冲完凉她还在敲门，我不理她，以为过了一阵子她会知难而退。mana tau 她还是一直在敲门。

手机有简讯响了。凌晓青竟然给我发MMS。 她并不知道我的恐龙时代手机是不能开MMS的。

算了，可能有重要事，把面子放下，开门去。

问她什么事，她说要借刀片。在我翻来翻去找时，她一直盯着我的脸看。问我为什么久久不开门。我说我冲凉。再问我为什么那么久，我又说我冲凉很久。

分明知道人家在房里正生气偷偷抽泣，还问三问四，根本就不给人台阶下。。。

过后我说刀片不知道放哪里了，她就又默默在房里停留了一阵子。看我不理她，就走了。

不知为什么，她的举动让我心情平静了许多。深深吸了一口气，继续做animation test 吧！

对了，在学习做球掉落的动画，看到这特别的录影。

曾经选择了一条保障型道路。保障有一定的薪资，看好的事业发展，不错的社会地位。三餐喂饱了，一般的购物欲望可以被满足，也买了基本的保险，如果继续认真努力的工作下去，是可以供车供楼的，结婚生子。虽算不上大富大贵，人生，算得上是圆满了。

但说不上中途发生了什么，可能是我的抗压能力不够强，或许是我异想天开。。。简单来说，我疯了。我竟然背弃了这一切， 从零开始。现在连自古以来的衣食住行都成问题，难道这就是我所要的？

那我到底要什么？如果我到这临头还说，“我不知道”。。。 是不是很过分？

我不是不负责任的人，除了家务以及生活琐碎事以外，工作上我还是会想把它做好，算不上是个滥人。我也喜欢钱。钱可以给我带来很多的快乐。那现在我是在干什么？

朋友说，“你很勇敢”。这听在我心，是有点心酸的呀。如果将来真的有那么一点的作为，这就是勇敢。如果将来还是一事无成，这就是蠢逼。

听起来可能是自己给自己的压力，现在选择的道路可能五年下来还不能给自己换一辆车。自己承受得了吗？我不知道。朋友说，“至少你会快乐一点”。我可能到时还得硬着头皮说就“可能吧”。

绕了一圈回到原点，我真怕我会承受不了。因为我当时是有了个想法，它并不是我的梦想。我从来就没有一个明确的梦想，今后也不会有。我的快乐最终还得建立在物质拥有上。

精神快乐，现在对我来说，是多么的沉重。因为我要的，原来是个无底洞。。。

dayah hated the dark knights. it made her feel constipated. i liked the movie. i feel constipated when I'm out of the cinema.

how convenient if i could switch off certain compartments of my brain. so i don't overwhelmed myself with ... you know... nonsense.

the movie world is a wonderful realm. some people lost themselves in it, some people are appalled by it. everyone is entitled to form their own opinion. it's quite funny to discuss how much you liked it while the other couldn't stand a minute more watching it.

my mind is heavy now and when i feel like i couldn't stand it anymore, i dig even deeper, until i'm thoroughly exhausted, that's when i will sleep most soundly.

Pina. you should watch it... you could be more constipated... or you could be free...

a friend said she is stuck.

i could picture her in a box... in a hole... or with both her feet implanted in a quicksand.

the idea to escape is always lurking around the corner.

maybe by that you could solve the current problem at hand, but you also know there is a bigger problem which lies within you and that... you don't know how to make it better.

people tell you it will be better. some days are fine. some days are not. but maybe one day you will figure it out.

i hope we will get there some day.

well. enough of depressing words. :) this is a feel good movie " Intouchables". A beautiful film to share.

now is a very sensitive period in my life. i.am.desperate.

not sure if that fits into all areas of my life but. more or less. oh shut up. whatever.

i want a job. any job. in an animation studio of course. i could be a janitor if they would have me.

it's been hard. harder than i expected. I've been told people took 3-4 years to build up their portfolio. i think i am going down. and i thought i was low enough.

well. don't sweat. don't lose it. life goes on.

and yes. i wasn't really looking forward to attending one of my Uni friend's wedding last Sunday. but it turn out quite nice actually. hmmn... maybe not the part where my lecturer asked me where am i working now and i have to answer across the table that i am "looking for one". i thought i heard my soul dying inside. *mental note* request not to be seated with lecturer if you don't have a job.

besides that, everything else is nice. the food is superb. because you know, it's hard to be surprised by the generic wedding meals now but i still know when the food is good. and i got to sit down beside good old uni mates and catch-up.

i haven't seen Lee since i was up in penang 4 years ago, crashing at her place, attending TWO job interviews. TWO! my goodness! all the while i was taking my own sweet time. of course, my resume was relevant back then.  *sob* what have i come to now. *pick yourself up!*

okay, that's not the point. where was I? ah yes... i was having a good time. we were in a close tight group, staying together, interned together... it was a fun time. i nearly forgot how it felt like. and after all these years. when we started talking again, it feels like only yesterday that we stayed-up late to watch korean dramas together. and the wonderful thing is, we didn't grow into some old bitter passive maid. maybe i did. abit.

time flew by quickly, and it was time to say our goodbyes. i have to say, this is the only wedding so far, that i felt sad that it ended. it was good to see you again, lee, neesha, lion, sophia (this doesn't count). i will definitely not wait for another 4 years to meet up with you guys.

ps: lee, you really have to change your tilam this time around.

the first video is to showcase our model in 5 poses.



the second and last video is the lip synch and animation video. i would like to dedicate this special one to dayah, sophia, amanda, fei, jean, siew mei, gee and maybe snow. you guys inspire me to do this and really, it's such an emotional trip. wuahahahah :P.

still trying to touch up the animation in this last week. and was just told that we're suppose to complete yet another video. i don't think i can do it anymore. and i am pretty sure i am going to lose grip anytime now.


ps: improved animation posted.

a cake. a year. a laugh. a celebration. :)

a day to be reminded how much love you have. i think of old, new and lost friends, i love you all. you have no idea how much you guys mean to me. i could be more bitter because of you, but i am so much more lovelier because of you.  :)

it was a little before eleven, as i sat on the mat in the living room, with Xiao Ting sitting on my lap. she likes to spend time just curled up beside me at night. i would always scare her off by saying i am watching zombies/ghost/horror movies " but i just want to be with you..." she would retort. "and please don't watch ghost movies la.... please la...." such pretense. :P

she is at the age right now where she worships me. i am this barbie adult, with grace and intelligence, plus dresses, bags and high heels to wear everyday. but of course, next year she would turn into her big sister with her own little clique of bffs who wouldn't stop phoning/FB each other for gossips.

then, the mobile rang.

She: guess what?
Me : wat?
She: my day was ruined.
Me : what happen?
She: i was having a rather pleasant day doing retail therapy in mid valley this morning until...
Me : ...
She: until i met XXX.
Me : and?
She: he asked me whether i have a boyfriend.
Me : what did you say?
She: i said "no". but then i succumbed into this deep dark depression.
Me : ...
She: but the first thing that came to my mind was.... how glad i am to have had a meeting this morning so that i have on a rather nice ensemble.
Me : ... and what has that got to do with this...
She: ... AT LEAST i was standing in front of him not appearing like some lonely old maid, i was presentable and capable of doing my shopping ALONE.
Me : right.
She: it has been 12 years since we graduated... how depressing can that be.
Me : ah... 12 years already?!...ahh.... i am so old now.

suddenly, xiao ting turn her head around and look at me with the most defiant expression....

Ting: gugu, you are NOT old!

i was astounded by her sudden little outburst of concern. little rascal, she was eavesdropping on my phone conversation. :P but she appears to be genuinely worried. well, she does always say my mom is old (to my mom's horror). and she refuses that i call myself old. maybe she associates old == death. i do admit i abuse the word far too often.

arrh.... she could be such an angel at times (to be precise, usually at late nights when she's half awake/half asleep). and then i would hug her and kiss her until she hates me again. :)

kids say the darnest thing. they would say i love you, to which they really mean it. even if it's only for 5 minutes. they really do, love you. for that 5 minutes.

for now. i am content with that 5 minutes. for we know, love comes in fleeting moments. and tonight, this is my moment.

just got back from the MPO with this buzzing in my head.

having Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé played out live six feet away from one is overwhelming. i swear at one point i had to hold back my tears. really have to forgive me getting all emotional, this comes with aging. *cough*

most of all, i am just glad to have experienced tonight's wonderful french dreams with fei. she is an aspiring pianist... maybe one day she will be playing Beethoven on a stage ( i love romantic pieces more though ). never too old. never. :P

a good night. and we just realised how dark our eye circles are. how deep our smile lines are. how double-chined we are. how bad our make up skills are. alas, this is the best i can do with bumping up the contrast of the photo. build in flash + night + 2 extremely hot woman.

p/s: we do look like being Photoshop-ed on an bad postcard.

they were enemies at home. but just like any professional politician, they put on their smiley faces, hands on the shoulder of the other, faces close to each other, and posing for the camera.

Bobo (the dog) is depressed, mainly due to being neglected and unloved by the members of the household. but here, the children, again, put on their poker faces, hands gently stroking the dog, pretending to play with the dog, and posing for the camera.


now. aren't they adorable?

arhhhh.... we are allowed to day dream sometimes right? the cement walls... the red retro fridge... the huge glass window, the industrial feel but yet so warmly personal... don't you just love it? looking at this makes me happy.

by the way, as i was walking back to class after dinner tonight, the phone rang and i reached out into my bag for it.... only to find out that it's not my phone, but in fact a ring which belongs to a foreign labour worker walking just pass me at the time.

so, how does it make you feel when you have the same ring tone as a foreign labour worker? i don't want to discriminate, but i have a feeling that my current social status has just taken a dive...

what's worse? that i secretly despise this? or that i have no intention what-so-ever to change the ringtone, or rather this prehistoric candy bar phone that belongs to my mom?

i was very late to class today. the excuse... i was out and about for the weekend and was exhausted and deprived of some quality sleep. ya. i am just old.

so, stepping into class @ 12:30 pm only to find there's 10 people there. oh... was everybody else having a busy weekend?

after lunch, Merlyn and a few others checked in and i asked.

"why so late?"

"oh... we only went to bed at 6am this morning."

"what happen?"

"... Devin pengsan yesterday in the computer room and they sent him to the hospital...."

"oh my... is he okay?"

"yeah. he's fine now. he couldn't remember. he was kinda.... dirasuk..."

"??!!...."

so the story went like this. Anuar and Devin were at the computer room yesterday until around 1am. then Devin stopped typing on the keyboard, got up, walked towards the front of the room, turned back. and lay down on the floor. Anuar asked what is he doing. no reply. then A thought D was joking.

then A said he wants to leave. D still with his back on the floor, eyes open. thinking this is a practical joke, A then switched off the lights and went outside. after waiting for a few minutes outside the room, A began to worry, went back in the room only to find D still laying on the floor. Then A realised that D is not faking, called other classmates staying in the hostel for help, the teacher came and send D to the hospital.

the doctor couldn't diagnose what went wrong but D regained his consciousness and they all returned to the hostel after a few hours.

the scary part now is.... everyone who stayed up in the computer room at night has claimed to hear voices. keyboard typing, notebooks flipping, wall knocking etc... and one of the girls who went to help out said she saw a white shadow beside D when they were carrying him from the building. *shiver*

just the other night, Merlyn asked if i heard some whistling tune, to which i said yes, and at that time i believed it was whistled by another classmate sitting behind us. then just today, Merlyn brought this up again, and the other classmate denied that he has whistled at all.

....

stay back? walk back to my car after that?

oh no...

life is created in such that, the new replace the old. no matter how significant the past has been, the focus would be in the future.

so what happens now? in this short life of ours?

everyone is a book. thick or thin, i might be in the middle chapter now. is this the plateau? not the grand opening, not the halfway climax, not the glorious exit.

today, i am just comfortable with the character that i am in. and i need more sleep. :)

so far, this is what i have. there's so much more to do with the skin but i think i am just going to finish up the hair and hopefully get on to rigging it.

i *ashamed-ly* copied someone's eyeball texture.

5 more weeks to go... :(

weird but maybe interesting to some.

watch it full here (youtube) before it's gone.

today i skipped class and went back straight after lunch. and yes i am exhausted but most of all... frustrated.

i went back. took a shower. and attempted to sleep. it was a hot afternoon and i felt even more suffocated. the truth is, i am overwhelmed with the class, with the progress, or rather the lack of progress that i am facing.

maybe i am pushing myself too much. take a step back, relax, breath. but i did that. i went out for Battleship last weekend, met with friends @ mamak, fetch mom from the airport, went for dinner with relatives, had strawberry sundaes and watched a foreign film on the internet.

then i have a major Monday blue.

at the back of my mind, i am just thinking about my class. i had a rather smooth start, i was prepared mentally and with commendable enthusiasm, i try to complete each assignment. then half way through the course ( 1 month in and 1 month left), i was stripped of all motivation and energy. i couldn't focus on doing one task at a time. everything seems so difficult to comprehend. i started to hate MAYA and to be precise, i hate TEXTURING and SHADERS!!!

now i sound like an immature bitch. there's loads more lesson bumps that i will have to overcome in these coming weeks. it's only texturing this week, what about next week? and all these look even more hopeless under the lack-of guidance of our dear teacher.

 i feel like i am struggling to stay above the water for that pitiful gulp of air, and the waves of the sea are swallowing me down. i hate to sound so dramatic. i should probably erase this entire post and start from a more positive angle.

at times, I'd hope i have loads of comfort food within my arm's reach, or I'd wish for more time, or maybe just born with pure talent that doesn't require any hard work on my part... but today, i would only hope... for help.

the right kind of guidance, preferably spoon-feeding. god knows, i am hanging by a thread here, i feel prehistoric, as if my brain has been stoned and placed in my head just for show. and i have no idea how to start anew.

do i sound frustrated? or sad? i am not entirely sure. but i do know i am very, very, very dissatisfied with our dear teacher.

tomorrow's Friday. and i am glad.

my energy level is pretty low this week and i have difficulty completing little tasks. patience level is already in the reds as i would just just give up and waste more time beating myself up.

tired.

i woke up today with a feeling. i have read far too many times that this has happened on others. but although i tried to tell myself to appreciate/bersyukur life, even shamelessly promoting this value on the blog, i have never, really, walk the talk.

but this morning, i don't know if it's a sign, as in 2012, being the end of the world or whatnot(pardon my sarcasm), i open my eyes, before my body even gather the sense of waking up, the first thought ran over me... today is going to be a wonderful day.

it is bizarre. i have never been a true life believer, ever too cynical to throw the first line of negativity. but this... even i couldn't help chuckle a laugh at myself right after. really?

then as if i was possessed by some righteous force, i didn't drag myself out of bed, i even did my own laundry and manage to hang them all under the beautiful saturday sun before noon. all while wearing a rather decent expression. :)

wow. *applaud to myself* i don't know how long this sense of contentedness is going to last, but yes. as i was lying down listening to João gilberto and Dario Marianelli, as if for the first time, i was mesmerized by the formation of clouds just outside my window.

i didn't realise, as with the other million things happening in my life, that, i actually have a rather f8cking cool view just outside my window.

how jaded have i become over the years?

but nothing is too late until you're six feet under. right? :) 后知后觉 总好过 不知不觉 啊。

however, there's currently a major construction happening just opposite of the house, heavy machines bulldozing their way through for the construction of 3-story housing project. no doubt i will only have a few months left enjoying the view i was so ignorant of before.

i guess nothing really lasts, but the more important thing is to realise that nothing is permanent but still strive to make the most of it while you have the time. having said that, i hope i don't go mistreat my family members 5 minutes later.

p/s: i am feeling couscous now. anyone?

amy. sorely missed.

i have had several encounters with mcD which left me feeling cheated. first they left out a cheeseburger in my order during a drive-through (saujana impian outlet). second they gave me 3 sundae strawberries HALF full (LDP sunway toll outlet).

today, they gave me an apple pie half eaten up (sunway outlet).

i was late for meeting up with dayah and was quite hungry during the wait for the fried chicken order. so i figured an apple pie would quench the hunger for a wee bit.

after 10 minutes wait for the chicken, i dashed out of the shop with the food in my hand. on the LDP, i took out the apple pie and there it was... an apple pie with its mouth open, apple sauce dripping, laughing at me.

oh my... this apple pie has already been consumed by someone (ewww!) and sold as new to me!!!! i can't explain how mad i felt holding this particular disgusting half-pie in my hands. i thought of going back to the outlet and yell and shout like a demanding + bitchy customer but there was no turning back on the already congested LDP highway!

and i was so so so hungry. and then... and then... i took the pie, and ate it.

i don't know if the person who ate the first half of the pie has mouth disease or AIDs or even bad breath.... but i finished off the pie.

i know. this is not the best day of my life. i don't know if i should be commended for my bravery to brush aside possibly-fatal-disease by eating the pie OR my berskyukur attitude towards food.

EEEeewewwwww!!!!!

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

~ Steve Jobs, 2005 Standford Commencement Speech ~

For anyone who has not heard this remarkable speech. Here you go.

we were asked to come up with a short sad story the other day, we would then have to design the characters and animate the story by the end of this course.

so our group came up with a generic sad story about an old man and his granddaughter. they are happy in the beginning, then the old man suffers an heart attack while watching his granddaughter play in a playground. then the granddaughter found the body and cry. The END.

we opted for the simplicity of the story and easy character design. to be honest, i am not confident that i can pull this off with the current limited skills and in such short time frame. it's hard enough to make a character walk properly, more so to make them laugh, run, cry and die.

but all other groups came up with much more interesting story lines. one of the group also stuck to the happy-then-somebody-die formula. but this time around, it is between dobby the elf and harry potter. dobby was all lonely and miserable until he found his kind master harry potter. but life is a bitch and a huge truck came along and run down harry potter. so dobby ends up crying over harry's dead body on a road side.

another group came up with a sad love story. a girl from the present time fell in love with a boy from the future. i can't remember the sad part being the moment they have to part or the moment when they met.

anyways... it would be funny to watch each other's creation at the end of the course. we're not expecting pixar tear jerking animation but rather expecting some cacat characters with even more cacat facial and body movements. i am too sarcastic to expect anything less.

stay tuned.

just tried to sort out my income tax online with a blocked nose and a cracking headache. been down with a cold and fever since yesterday. i concluded that my body did not agree with the classroom's freezing air-conditioning and bad air quality. alas, life goes on. *sneeze*

i have planned *in my head* that i shall do some tutorials over the weekend, however, by the look of it, i could barely shake off this terrible sickness to be ready for Monday. well, let's just focus on getting better now. health is the prerequisite for accomplishing anything. right?!

do i sound more positive now? no more moping about. no more break downs. really. there is no time for being gloomy by the way. routine helps shoo the nonsense out and fill up the idle sections of the brain previously so stuffed with dark thoughts... such as "i f8cked up", "i hate myself" "i hate mom" etc.

but i really. really. really want to say something here. it's been a difficult time. mainly because i drag myself down so deep that i have forgotten how to get up. i stayed in that hole for what feels like a long long time. i felt safe at first, that nobody can distract or change me. i don't want people to ask questions. i don't want people to care. i don't want people to understand. cause i don't know what's wrong with me.

sometimes i think i am addicted to feeling "miserable". as if in pain is the only way to connect to life.

i remembered i made a fuss one night and broke down in front of Sophia. well. after all the sobbing and complaining and self-pitying... she remained totally unfazed.

she reminded me that people are starving in Africa and instantly put things back in perspective.

okay. she didn't exactly said that but i stopped crying. then i was left with such hideous swell around the eyes because i rubbed them too much.

"hey, you are actually not THAT sad because you just cried a little. like sobbing quietly. with minimal tears..." she concluded.

"what?" as i inspect the damage in front of a mirror. "of course i am sad. VERY sad. i didn't bellow because i don't want the whole house to know i am crying!"

"really? because i think one couldn't control one's tear when in grief."

"..."

she's right. i certainly wasn't in the deepest shit. i can still eat. breath. and play. if i decide to. what is there to mope about when life has given you everything.

as for wanting something vague such as feeling happy, content, fulfilled.... i will have to earn it. with a family still supportive under the circumstance that they genuinely think i am going mad, and with such dear friends having to endure my series of self-absorbed mini breakdowns but still never fails to slap me back to reality, i am already privileged.

i do feel happy. albeit short and fleeting. most of the time i feel at loss. but this is me. i tend to feel too much. but as long as i remember that people are starving and dying in some part of the world even before they have the time to sit around and mope about their feelings, i am fine.

ah... now i remember what i wanted to say in the first place. i wanted to say i love you sophia. thanks for putting up with me. thanks for being a strong wonderful person with an even stronger pair of ears to withstand my nonsense...

and also to dear friends who cared or simply just curious to check out if i am still alive by reading this blog... thank you. your words kept me going... for like 5 minutes. haha.

see. i am capable to feel happy afterall. :)

today i had my first taste of acting class. i have not joined in any acting nor theatrical classes/clubs before but i have always enjoyed theatre performances and have to admit am a movie addict.

there was a theatre club in my secondary school and i have always been intrigued by these people. they were loud, explosive and sometimes hard to relate to. but they were interesting. they seem to have a point of view, know what they want and went all out on stage.

i consider myself conservative and rarely have any outburst of emotions, publicly. and also, that i cared way too much what other people would think if i acted out of the norm. which is a shame of course. cause those who really do care, will accept you for who you are. wow! really?! haha. the truth is... when you grow older, you care less.

so today we have a day of acting activities as part of the course. this is to instil in us basic observation and exaggerating skills essential in creating animation. and boy i have to say i enjoyed it.

first the class is so relaxing and we had a wonderful lady instructor. and also, everyone has to shed their shell of shyness, ego and pride in order to truly act out in front of 26 others, some stupidly giggling away. when you really are immersed in your own imagination, shunning out the external ignorant bunch :) that's when you're truly free and greatness comes out.

:) okay, maybe not that great but yes, people do enjoy looking at your acts when you're least self conscious about it. and when you open up yourself, you learn from others and also from yourself. of course i am not bragging how big a star i have become now but it's f8cking liberating, to let it go sometimes. others laugh at me, i laugh at others. in a genuinely entertained kind of way.

be a sport. be a bitch. be happy. be free.

the short course started last week. finally. it was just soft skills being taught, for the whole of the 1st week. and i could barely make it through the last 2 days.

the point now is. i am starting to feel some sense of weekends. being jobless for the past 5 months and bumming at home is only fun if you have a solid plan or if you are dying.

towards the end of my long vacation i could barely wake up before noon and stay sane. not to mentioned it's really no fun shopping online when the savings are dwindling.

so no more indulging in retail therapy or food therapy from now on. i am living very frugally and am basically starved half of the time. okay. maybe i am exaggerating but i felt like i am starved!

it's Sunday today. and nice gloomy weather. i just ate some good home-cooked food and i have my lappie just in front of me. it feels good. i could even have my favourite after meal nap later on.

i could foresee the next 2 and a half months would be a very challenging if not demanding time for me. the thought of it sends negative vibrations down my spine. but i must persevere. cause my ego is too high to quit now.

alas. let's all get a good rest today and start off on a positive foot tomorrow!

i am going to die.
eventually.
i feel hopeless.
does it make a difference?

i am losing everything.
even my needs.
i don't feel happy anymore.
do i ever?

i started to ask for help.
but nothing can save me.
i am trying not to cry.
but it is just too hard.

i am sorry.
i am just so sorry.

will i always.
always. feel this way?

整理。如果有的选择，我是不想做的。

姐姐有些书想妈妈去探望她时给带过去。要我帮忙在柜子找一下。我把柜子里的东西全搬出来，都布满了灰尘。翻着翻，竟发现了我大学时期的一捆信件。哦。。。我都忘记有这些东西了。

生日卡，新年卡，postcards，信子，照片。。。 天呀！十八岁生日时，大学朋友似有心无心的话语，塞满了一张小小的卡。哈。。。有些朋友现在还保持联络，有些没了。

还有，仰慕者每年用心的卡片，信件。。。 礼物我可能弄丢了，但是，心里还是有很多歉意。

有些信子可是写满密密麻麻的小字，我不认得是谁的字，要翻到后面察看是from谁才知道。啊，都是大学在马六甲第一年认识的女生朋友们。 大学第一年，第一次离家居住在外面宿舍，大家不免都有些革命感情。一年过后，有的继续留在马六甲，有的转大学了，我就转到CYBERJAYA分校。书信持续了一下，就断了。

信里都是很多的鼓励，关心，更多的思念。现在读回去，只有感伤。

哎，文字是留下来了，可人咧？不在乎天长地久，只在乎经用拥有？屁啦！谁不想天长地久？是没得选着，情非得以？或是分割两地，生活理念渐行渐远？只能叹物是人非？

大家曾以同一个目标，选着了同一空间，同一时空，相聚相困在一起，缘分吧，遇到了相同品性，兴趣，笑点的人。互相帮忙，学习，关心，玩乐。日子过的可能普通，但是心里是充实的。

天下无不散之宴席？可能吧？但是长大了，觉得人生不是时时刻刻都会遇上“对”的人。朋友嘛，如果是“对”了，就多互相关心，联络。付出不一定能得到回报。但是，这是我想做的。想念过去，但是别把人也留在过去了。有些人想是断了线的风筝，是拉不回了。但是还有很人关心着的，别忘了他们。

哎，想念起很多人了。。。

ah-ha! i made these!

a little overdose of mustard and cheese, but otherwise, i think it is good. :)

p/s: above is only a picture taken from a recipe site. the true dish is much less grand... visually. :P

it was a hot windy situation at a rubbish infested beach side. i was trying to avoid the sun while staying zen with all the monkeys swinging around.

i love it when i made myself laugh. isn't life all about feeling good about oneself, albeit looking slightly annoyed.

It's time to say your last goodbye my friend!

chinese new year leftovers. cartons of beers, carbonated drinks, sugar drinks, mandarin oranges... and loads of biscuits. i think we'd only have 2 visitors-not-on-diet-watch this chinese new year.

and so i sit in front of my laptop today, could barely keep my eyelids apart, my right hand reaching out to the nearest red plastic container, place it in my laps, and start digging.

after deciding to not continue with Yoga this morning, i really shouldn't be the one cleaning up, the biscuits and sugar drinks. but what can one do? when one is constantly feeling lethargic confined to a space stuffed with temptations.

well, if one is going to fail, fail gloriously. so i shall devour all, swallow in with pride all that's left of CNY.

say yes to decadence people!

The girls had drawn these for me last year. they were just drawings. nothing to brag about. but yes, little girls love to draw. they draw what they know, what they like, what they love. and i was on their mind when they drew these. :) reminds me of the excerpt "The little prince and the fox" of the infamous children book Le petite prince (thanks jean). About the story of being responsible for what you've tamed...



"It was then that the fox told him his secret:

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"You become responsible , forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."

it is important... for me... to block out some voices sometimes. voices that bring me down. they maybe the truth that i ought to accept. but do we really need to hear them? we know the truth. sometimes we might not be ready to accept it, but we know.

and being a sentimental girl i am, i am a weepy for soft sentimental songs. and this voice (Ivan & Aloysha) is just... lovely. :) anyways, american idol 2012 is ON!!!! can't wait!

as per every Tuesday, i dragged myself to yoga in the early morning. i am starting to dread these workout sessions and find myself making up excuses the night before every session. it is especially torturous when i only manage to fall asleep at three and have to wake up at six thirty in the morning.

staying at home full time jobless is suicidal. especially with a mom breathing down your neck constantly.

Nicole Kidman named her daughter Sunday because she stated that Sundays are when the family gathers and hence, always gives her a warm fuzzy feeling. for me, Sundays are nice when all the family members are out and i am all alone in the house.

i felt at last, i can walk around the house without my pants on and eat at odd hours and do whatever. but of course now i have to remember to feed the dogs.

but today, my Sunday peace is broken when mom came back from her weekly mahjong session, stormed into my room, and blabber non-stop. she then realised i was having my earphones on, promptly pull them off, and told me that she is embarrassed for some of her mahjong buddies found out that i was bumming at home and asked her why. and that she has also given my number to a son of her mahjong buddies. and she sternly warned me that if he decided to call i should talk to him and yada yada yada...

i felt really pissed for she has interrupted my peace of mind and that she gave my number away. who does she think she is??!!!

now i just have to get another number. i seriously don't give a f8ck.

went and met up with some friends in Puchong. Jo has been back in m'sia for a short break and will be leaving for Belgium end of this month to continue her phD.

i have to apologize to other friends because the whole session i have selfishly consumed Jo all by myself and endlessly chatted away. maybe because we shared similar experiences and once the topic about that particular university, course and people presented itself, we couldn't stop. and of course, no one else know who we were so eagerly discussing about and how certain classes with lecturers and tutors can be so... worth discussing the whole night.

from dealing with rude and cold treatment from the bureaucracy to meeting people and coping with the tough academic environment, it stirred up some old haunting memories.

it is all still fresh and ongoing for Jo's experiences but i could hardly recall the names now. there were new people whom i don't know, and old ones who has already left the department. it was afterall, events which happened more than 3.5 years ago. they somehow felt so strange and distant now. but yet when recounted, felt like yesterday.

i couldn't sleep after that mainly due to the coffee i took during the night. :) but also was pondering about this...

Jo told me that one of the lecturer i know from this absurbly impossible course "Computational solutions to Wave Equations" committed suicide shortly after i left. She is a transsexual. she or rather he used to be married to a lady also working in the same academic department and they have a son together. then he decided to change into... a woman and he left the wife and son. and he/she has a boyfriend afterwards, also working in the same department. (Dave is accountable for the validity of this story which he so dramatically narrated over too many glasses of wine on the last night of summer school.)

i had just thought she is a very tall and slender woman with a manly voice throughout the course. never really doubted she is indeed a he until someone reminded me about his adam's apple. i shall also forever remember her long nails with pink/red? nail polish spread out on the table when we had our 1 to 1 oral exam. traumatic times.

i hated that course. i hated her. i failed that course.

but she/he was a very capable and knowledgeable person, although not much so a good lecturer. we didn't talk. besides the part where she told me that i will probably fail the course and have to complete the project which i have not a clue in hell how ever am i going to do that.

i guess after all the things that she has gone through and people's perception, she didn't manage to find a true place where she belongs.

time passed. and in this case, she... passed on.

it is indeed a sad story. all these talk about the past, reminds me of this quote~



"In a strange way, I miss that year, because all those possibilities that existed then are gone."

"It didn't seem unlikely to me that he could walk through a door or could appear behind a bush. It was a year of very magical thinking, and in some ways I'm sad to be moving further and further away from it."

- Michelle Williams on Heath ledger's death -

lately jean asked what songs have i been listening to. i paused to think, for now, i can't get enough of nina simone and stevie wonder. of course, i still love freddie mercury. :)

i could list a few songs which i would tirelessly click into when i load youtube, they are nina simone - just in time, micheal buble - stardust, stevie wonder - feeding off the love of the land among others.

as of this moment, my mind is blank listening to this


what are you guys listening to lately?